"Absence sharpens love, but presence strengthens it"
so much truer than i want to admit.
the last 48 hours has been quite odd.
10.30.2008
10.28.2008
freshly inked
not everything i wanted but for good reason. i think the fish will appear larger in the future on the body.
but my "she who watches"
10.27.2008
bad tv is like a bowl of chocolate covered cherries
guilty secret - or is it guilty pleasure?
either way i will admit that i pull meaning out of bad tv and relate it to my life. i can watch a sitcom no matter how bad or good and somehow relate my personal life to the theme or message or drama shown. if i allow myself i can cry, grow and sometimes even make large life decisions.
tonight, no such decisions were made. rather, i just watched and realized the bittersweet fear that i harbor. you know the reason why i shoved aside the advances and encouraged and continued the game of cat and mouse, is because i worry that the beginning of him and i would lead to its end. i would rather hold on to what i have rather than risk losing the little bit of love that i toy with each week (twice a week if im lucky).
somehow - that idea wont stop haunting me tonight.
either way i will admit that i pull meaning out of bad tv and relate it to my life. i can watch a sitcom no matter how bad or good and somehow relate my personal life to the theme or message or drama shown. if i allow myself i can cry, grow and sometimes even make large life decisions.
tonight, no such decisions were made. rather, i just watched and realized the bittersweet fear that i harbor. you know the reason why i shoved aside the advances and encouraged and continued the game of cat and mouse, is because i worry that the beginning of him and i would lead to its end. i would rather hold on to what i have rather than risk losing the little bit of love that i toy with each week (twice a week if im lucky).
somehow - that idea wont stop haunting me tonight.
10.25.2008
breaking things...
In the odd turns of life - while my mom and stepfather are in town I promised to add music to their new iphones. Yes, my parents have iphones, and I don't. But the odd part is that I broke it or rather had to completely restore it when I plugged it into my computer. So basically I lost two weeks of my mom's photos and means I am attempting to make it up by setting up here itunes account for her (they didnt do that at the store) and give her about 2000 songs out of my collection that i think she will love.
this of course raises questions...
why do they have one and not me?
do i really want one or is it just a wanting what others have?
do you think that she will survive without the photos?
why do i have so many songs on my computer?
why dont i have a larger hard drive?
anyhow - back to problem solving.
this of course raises questions...
why do they have one and not me?
do i really want one or is it just a wanting what others have?
do you think that she will survive without the photos?
why do i have so many songs on my computer?
why dont i have a larger hard drive?
anyhow - back to problem solving.
10.24.2008
A few photos from Esprit de Pittsburgh
Here are a few photos that one of the TV news stations took of the event that I planned to Pittsburgh Young Professionals.
Overall a success but improvements will be made next year.
http://www.wpxi.com/slideshow/vj/17786489/detail.html
Overall a success but improvements will be made next year.
http://www.wpxi.com/slideshow/vj/17786489/detail.html
10.23.2008
Appointment Set
Tuesday afternoon this image with a few minor adjustments, will become a permanent part of the top of my left foot. over a year in the making - the time has come. full description of the image and its full personal and historical meaning to come. for now, just a teaser image.
a blend in rapid fire
My mom and step dad arrived last night to Pittsburgh. Since I live 3,000 miles from my family its monumental to see them and spend time with them. This time in particular since I haven't seen either of them for 10 months. Having them here means I have turned a bit into a giddy school girl (yes, it can happen) and also tour guide (less of the stretch of the imagination). Dinner at Kaya last night was delicious.
I dreamed about my students last night - I dont think I have never had a dream about my students before. I only seem them twice a week at their after school arts programming, but last night they appeared. It was a comforting dream of connecting. This term I have the benefit of teaching two of the students from my class last year. Watching them grow and develop has provided me with not only satisfaction but hope. More on that topic later.
Take a minute and listen to John Legend's song of his new ablum (not yet released) "It's Over" featuring Kanye West. This is perhaps my fav off the new ablum that I have heard. "Good Morning" is the old John which I of course love as well, but can't relate to in this minute.
Smokey Robinson on Saturday.
I dreamed about my students last night - I dont think I have never had a dream about my students before. I only seem them twice a week at their after school arts programming, but last night they appeared. It was a comforting dream of connecting. This term I have the benefit of teaching two of the students from my class last year. Watching them grow and develop has provided me with not only satisfaction but hope. More on that topic later.
Take a minute and listen to John Legend's song of his new ablum (not yet released) "It's Over" featuring Kanye West. This is perhaps my fav off the new ablum that I have heard. "Good Morning" is the old John which I of course love as well, but can't relate to in this minute.
Smokey Robinson on Saturday.
10.18.2008
realization
A comment he made as we stood at my car at 3am stuck with me. Our conversation had begun around the corner transition, changed, shifted and then returned. At one point he had actually walked across the street back to the bar only to cross the lanes again to continue our conversation. We have a way with each other, always challenging, inquiring but yet knowing more than we say aloud.
His comment was on me as an individual, on my “case-study” as he called it. At first I couldn’t tell if the comment resonated through my head over the course of the last few days simply because he said it. Surely we have had more signature discussions and detailed flirting than that. Was it fear of having someone study who I was? Somehow I think the issue was that for the first time in my life, I’ve wanted someone to actually study who I am and care for me in that way. Perhaps even more amazing is that he, specifically him, is one of the first men that I have meet that make me want to share who I am, what made me who I am, and how that will help me be who I want to be in the future.
I honestly don’t think that he and I will ever be more than supportive kindred souls, but the fact that there he is there means there might be more. Above that I am more ready than I have been before to perhaps allow someone to study me.
His comment was on me as an individual, on my “case-study” as he called it. At first I couldn’t tell if the comment resonated through my head over the course of the last few days simply because he said it. Surely we have had more signature discussions and detailed flirting than that. Was it fear of having someone study who I was? Somehow I think the issue was that for the first time in my life, I’ve wanted someone to actually study who I am and care for me in that way. Perhaps even more amazing is that he, specifically him, is one of the first men that I have meet that make me want to share who I am, what made me who I am, and how that will help me be who I want to be in the future.
I honestly don’t think that he and I will ever be more than supportive kindred souls, but the fact that there he is there means there might be more. Above that I am more ready than I have been before to perhaps allow someone to study me.
10.13.2008
fall encourages
There is a big leaf maple tree directly outside my window at the office - an acer microphyllum if i remember from what Mr. Shroufe taught us in 10th grade. Its beautiful, full and vibrant. I have yet to take a photo that will do its true nature enough praise. And trust me I have tried many times.
Its strong red colorings are almost the red of california poppy and the green the color of healthy oregon grass....and well the orange is the perfect harvest moon or the brightest freshly washed pumpkin and the bark a deep chocolate brown providing a great contract against the bright colors.
i wish words or film could do it justice. because i feel like when i see its real beauty i can't help but feel a bit at peace with the seasonal ebb and flow of life. its a great reminder of how long this whole world has been going on and surviving without my stressing or the drama of daily life.
Its strong red colorings are almost the red of california poppy and the green the color of healthy oregon grass....and well the orange is the perfect harvest moon or the brightest freshly washed pumpkin and the bark a deep chocolate brown providing a great contract against the bright colors.
i wish words or film could do it justice. because i feel like when i see its real beauty i can't help but feel a bit at peace with the seasonal ebb and flow of life. its a great reminder of how long this whole world has been going on and surviving without my stressing or the drama of daily life.
10.07.2008
on the human body
the reality is that our bodies or rather the human body itself is quite amazing. the way it regulates, cooperates, and constantly lives and dies.
perhaps the only time i take a minute to realize the complexity and sit in awe of its wonder is when it malfunctions, or when it is called to fight off infection or sickness.
my allergies have the best of me this week. this most likely due to my own lack of sleep and forgetting to take my daily allergy pill. needless to say, i am attempting to offer my body as much support as possible in the form of rest, hot tea, honey, zinc, vitamin c, and soup.
heres to you body - at toast of hot honey water.
perhaps the only time i take a minute to realize the complexity and sit in awe of its wonder is when it malfunctions, or when it is called to fight off infection or sickness.
my allergies have the best of me this week. this most likely due to my own lack of sleep and forgetting to take my daily allergy pill. needless to say, i am attempting to offer my body as much support as possible in the form of rest, hot tea, honey, zinc, vitamin c, and soup.
heres to you body - at toast of hot honey water.
10.02.2008
how to win my heart
way # 232 - i came back to the bar, to find that he had left work to run to the store and buy hot chocolate for me because an hour earlier i had mentioned that i had been craving hot chocolate with some liqueur for two days.
perhaps one of the sweetest things he could have done at that moment. its funny because though its small, it is nice to have someone take care of me, even if in the slightest way. when i thanked him, he said that i often take care of him and i deserved it. strange that its all just something that happens at a bar with a bartender who knows or simply sees elements of me that most people never do.
now if i could just get through the mixed messages..... possible girlfriend vs. a greeting of biting me on the ass (i had the marks to prove it). sigh.
perhaps one of the sweetest things he could have done at that moment. its funny because though its small, it is nice to have someone take care of me, even if in the slightest way. when i thanked him, he said that i often take care of him and i deserved it. strange that its all just something that happens at a bar with a bartender who knows or simply sees elements of me that most people never do.
now if i could just get through the mixed messages..... possible girlfriend vs. a greeting of biting me on the ass (i had the marks to prove it). sigh.
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