the bar - his affection and attention. we laugh, talk, hold hands, always touching at two points or more, telling stories of our family. the connection strengthened and highlighted and perhaps of equal weight, displayed for others to see.
the park - spreading his towel on the bench to cover the mist, mist covering the resivour that lay in front of us, him standing behind me, his hands caressing my thighs, massaging my scalp, playing with my hair, running his fingers across my face and neck, painting every curve of my body but never intruding or overstepping the bounds, listening and engaging my every thought, pulling us closer together, whispering in my ear as i pull his arms down and kiss his forearm, eventually he is kneeling in front of me rubbing my legs as i hold his head between my hands.
7.29.2009
the risk...
"you have the most amazing pinky. i just noticed that. i love pinkys and yours is perfect."
as we examine our hands fingers entangled. he complains about his own hands - and i interrupt him to tell him, "i love your hands. they were actually the first thing i noticed about you when we met. please dont wish for any other hands."
---------
we sit across the table from one another smiling. a table he has set up and cleared space for in the back office for our "breaking of bread." its take out middle eastern food that he asked me to pick up so he would be able to treat me. its actually way beyond dinner time as the clock strikes midnight, but it is the first chance for our schedules to align for more than a few moments. our light hearted conversations eventually becomes serious, as he asks if what i left in Boston and why the emotion in my eyes looks so vivid. caught off guard i explain the elements of the trip that i was internally begging to express to someone, and feel the weight lifted. he listens actively and then comments on the way he can see the emotion in my eyes. more importantly that it adds a new dimension of beauty and he is glad he has experienced it.
--------
"why do you have such a hard time being pampered? Sit down and enjoy it."
as we examine our hands fingers entangled. he complains about his own hands - and i interrupt him to tell him, "i love your hands. they were actually the first thing i noticed about you when we met. please dont wish for any other hands."
---------
we sit across the table from one another smiling. a table he has set up and cleared space for in the back office for our "breaking of bread." its take out middle eastern food that he asked me to pick up so he would be able to treat me. its actually way beyond dinner time as the clock strikes midnight, but it is the first chance for our schedules to align for more than a few moments. our light hearted conversations eventually becomes serious, as he asks if what i left in Boston and why the emotion in my eyes looks so vivid. caught off guard i explain the elements of the trip that i was internally begging to express to someone, and feel the weight lifted. he listens actively and then comments on the way he can see the emotion in my eyes. more importantly that it adds a new dimension of beauty and he is glad he has experienced it.
--------
"why do you have such a hard time being pampered? Sit down and enjoy it."
7.19.2009
random bits to unload so that perhaps i can stop thinking of them...
as i stopped by to drop off his dvd on the way to meet another friend for couple drinks before calling it an early night, we had the following exchange in front of one of his coworkers and a growing friend, while his arm was around my shoulder.
me: thanks for letting me borrow this. like i said on the phone it is good.
him: no problem. you sticking around tonight?
me: nope, just wanted to swing by and drop this off so you could return it on time before i head out.
him: were are you off to tonight? who are you meeting up with?
this coworker gives him a strange and surprised look
him: not like it is any of my business... but just curious.
me: with a slight chuckle im heading down to silky's or somewhere in that part of town for a couple drinks.
him: ah. silky's. he walked away
coworker: where is silky's? why did he react like that?
of course i later texted him to tell him that i in fact ended up at gooski's and going to the end of the polish hill festival than early to bed. his response.... i fuckin love gooski's.
--------------------------
for the past week he has been continually telling me that he doesn't take me for granted. and that no matter what he wants me to know that he appreciates everything that i do and who i am in his life. and that even "in his ignorant moments" he doesnt take me for granted. im not sure why there is such a drive as of late to make sure i know this. makes me wonder what is going on in his head.
--------------------------
this weekend there were three moments that stuck with me involving him and his close friends making sure that i knew certain things.
1). standing outside the bar while i was checking ids and talking with his close friend and my close friend about marrying for nontraditional motivations (health care, immigration, etc). my friend said that she would most likely sleep with someone if she was married to them for three years for their immigration even if she wasn't interested because they were married after all. his friend chimes in passionately that he knows people who haven't slept with someone but have been married for three year so that they can be a citizen. this of course was a direct reference to him and his situation. it was quite hilarious that his friend kept making a point for me to know that they had not slept together. and perhaps more than anything interesting.
2). at the end of the night with the temps up and running around he had taken off his tshirt (which btw was one that i bought for him and that he wears nearly weekly which of course being a girly girl makes me feel happy) and was running around in a wife beater. his coworker/friend more than once highlighted the level of curl in his chest hair and joked about him needing relaxer for it...and then made a point of saying to him and i, "its a good thing you arent getting laid right now man." interesting to have noted again.
3). as we all sat downstairs in the basement of the lounge smoking - his two best friends began their usual routine. it became the two of them highlighting something about his behavior or background that they think is funny and i should know. the full session of blast while i just sat back and tried to contain my laughter while watching the three of them interact. that night's topic of conversation - "his tendency to speak in riddles." couldnt have said it better myself.
as i write these i realize they are only things that an over thinking chick like myself would even track or remember this craziness.... i feel like im trying to build a case constantly. and more so, i feel like this idea of not having a relationship strictly based on physical interaction is something i am still getting the hang of.
me: thanks for letting me borrow this. like i said on the phone it is good.
him: no problem. you sticking around tonight?
me: nope, just wanted to swing by and drop this off so you could return it on time before i head out.
him: were are you off to tonight? who are you meeting up with?
this coworker gives him a strange and surprised look
him: not like it is any of my business... but just curious.
me: with a slight chuckle im heading down to silky's or somewhere in that part of town for a couple drinks.
him: ah. silky's. he walked away
coworker: where is silky's? why did he react like that?
of course i later texted him to tell him that i in fact ended up at gooski's and going to the end of the polish hill festival than early to bed. his response.... i fuckin love gooski's.
--------------------------
for the past week he has been continually telling me that he doesn't take me for granted. and that no matter what he wants me to know that he appreciates everything that i do and who i am in his life. and that even "in his ignorant moments" he doesnt take me for granted. im not sure why there is such a drive as of late to make sure i know this. makes me wonder what is going on in his head.
--------------------------
this weekend there were three moments that stuck with me involving him and his close friends making sure that i knew certain things.
1). standing outside the bar while i was checking ids and talking with his close friend and my close friend about marrying for nontraditional motivations (health care, immigration, etc). my friend said that she would most likely sleep with someone if she was married to them for three years for their immigration even if she wasn't interested because they were married after all. his friend chimes in passionately that he knows people who haven't slept with someone but have been married for three year so that they can be a citizen. this of course was a direct reference to him and his situation. it was quite hilarious that his friend kept making a point for me to know that they had not slept together. and perhaps more than anything interesting.
2). at the end of the night with the temps up and running around he had taken off his tshirt (which btw was one that i bought for him and that he wears nearly weekly which of course being a girly girl makes me feel happy) and was running around in a wife beater. his coworker/friend more than once highlighted the level of curl in his chest hair and joked about him needing relaxer for it...and then made a point of saying to him and i, "its a good thing you arent getting laid right now man." interesting to have noted again.
3). as we all sat downstairs in the basement of the lounge smoking - his two best friends began their usual routine. it became the two of them highlighting something about his behavior or background that they think is funny and i should know. the full session of blast while i just sat back and tried to contain my laughter while watching the three of them interact. that night's topic of conversation - "his tendency to speak in riddles." couldnt have said it better myself.
as i write these i realize they are only things that an over thinking chick like myself would even track or remember this craziness.... i feel like im trying to build a case constantly. and more so, i feel like this idea of not having a relationship strictly based on physical interaction is something i am still getting the hang of.
five love languages
a day or so ago i had posted the question on my facebook status asking those who pay attention to such things, what is the best way to say i love you?
the only response that caught my fleeting attention span for more than a the few seconds it took to read it was something from my mother. (yes, my mother is on facebook and constantly constantly replied to whatever is up there).
she highlighted that to know the best way to tell someone that you love them is to know their "love language." yes this is a great pop psychology term that came about in the early 1990s by a baptist pastor and author (The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman), but if nothing else it has provided a way for a mass of people to digest the idea of showing love and hopefully be more successful at expressing their affection for people around them.
anyhow - the languages of love actually break down into five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. it is argued that as individuals we each appreciate and can understand all of these languages, but that one speaks much louder or holds more weight for us.
so i broke this down to see where i feel like i fall and kept coming up primarily in one category - physical touch. for those that know me well this is not a surprise, i suppose. perhaps in contrast (actually maybe in support) to that, i am extremely reserved about touching people until we break a certain thresh hold and often am seeking out touch while holding my own back.
the percentage break down of the all languages are as follows (from a brief test that i found based on his work - far from science - closer to cosmo).
20% Words of Affirmation
20% Quality Time
10% Receiving Gifts
17% Acts of Service
33% Physical Touch
i suppose there is nothing overall surprising about these scores. for people who have spent a significant amount of time with me this im sure is overly simple. it is commonly know that while i do enjoy a heartfelt gift from time to time, that a heartfelt card, afternoon of qt or even a hug can hold much more weight.
so, the next question that i have after the quick dip into my self-assessment is do i communicate with those around me in the best language of love for them? or is it mostly a selfish to how i feel most comfortable expressing my affection and commitment?
i suppose the best way to solve this is with variety. but it makes me wonder, what is your love language? should i be making a mental note of what everyone's appears to be to be a better player in relationships?
the only response that caught my fleeting attention span for more than a the few seconds it took to read it was something from my mother. (yes, my mother is on facebook and constantly constantly replied to whatever is up there).
she highlighted that to know the best way to tell someone that you love them is to know their "love language." yes this is a great pop psychology term that came about in the early 1990s by a baptist pastor and author (The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman), but if nothing else it has provided a way for a mass of people to digest the idea of showing love and hopefully be more successful at expressing their affection for people around them.
anyhow - the languages of love actually break down into five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. it is argued that as individuals we each appreciate and can understand all of these languages, but that one speaks much louder or holds more weight for us.
so i broke this down to see where i feel like i fall and kept coming up primarily in one category - physical touch. for those that know me well this is not a surprise, i suppose. perhaps in contrast (actually maybe in support) to that, i am extremely reserved about touching people until we break a certain thresh hold and often am seeking out touch while holding my own back.
the percentage break down of the all languages are as follows (from a brief test that i found based on his work - far from science - closer to cosmo).
20% Words of Affirmation
20% Quality Time
10% Receiving Gifts
17% Acts of Service
33% Physical Touch
i suppose there is nothing overall surprising about these scores. for people who have spent a significant amount of time with me this im sure is overly simple. it is commonly know that while i do enjoy a heartfelt gift from time to time, that a heartfelt card, afternoon of qt or even a hug can hold much more weight.
so, the next question that i have after the quick dip into my self-assessment is do i communicate with those around me in the best language of love for them? or is it mostly a selfish to how i feel most comfortable expressing my affection and commitment?
i suppose the best way to solve this is with variety. but it makes me wonder, what is your love language? should i be making a mental note of what everyone's appears to be to be a better player in relationships?
7.11.2009
plan...
productivity until at least tuesday night or wednesday.
no going out. no drinking. no shadow.
instead - upstairs bathroom repainted. applying for jobs. beginning roommate search. continued running every other day. shakes for breakfast. eating in. and working on everything on my plate.
do-able? de-sirable?
no going out. no drinking. no shadow.
instead - upstairs bathroom repainted. applying for jobs. beginning roommate search. continued running every other day. shakes for breakfast. eating in. and working on everything on my plate.
do-able? de-sirable?
7.10.2009
the last 15 hours
i jokingly refer to our relationship with others as the "junior high relationship" simply because the physical level our relationship tends to verge on the physicality of my relationships in high school.
but the reality of the physical intimacy is beyond my junior high days or even early high school days. there isnt that fumbling or awkwardness. but rather the freshness and importance of the smaller demonstrations of physical comfort.
---------
less than a week ago he came up behind me in an empty room and nibbled at my neck. if i close my eyes slightly and allow myself i can still feel the combination of sensations, from his facial hair, to the moistness of his lips to the light force of his teeth. every time i begin to think about it i remember the erykah badu song "i want somebody to walk up behind me and breath on my neck, just breath on my neck..." i know its quite cheesy, but its true. now since his discovery of the auto reaction and sensitivity i have on my neck, he takes full advantage of it. mind you im not complaining, at this rate i dont even care if people see the light red marks left behind or if i cant help but grab him tightly and pull him closer, as my body reacts with chills and goose bumps.
----------
last night was i drove him home from work and we shared our habitual hour or two alone in the car, recapping our days and attacking the larger issues and dynamics of life, he suggested that i take the long way home (a way ive never taken in that direction but rather only in return). as we dropped down the twisty hill he began to kiss my hand on every angle. silence fell over the car as i tried to maintain the focus needed to drive and keep us on the road.
----------
we sat there outside his house discussing music and falling silent again for a moment of energy and unspoken interaction. i found my head resting perfectly on his shoulder with my hand placed over his heart. in that moment i realized that i have recently been unable to find that level of comfort, security, and calm in any other person. i let my eyes drift shut, and squeezed out those thoughts from the warmth of my hand on his chest. he simply responded, "i know."
-----------
in our conversation i jest about my nerdy nature and he pulls me closely and said whispers loudly in my ear "no, brilliant. gorgeous. brilliant." a smile creeps across my face, and he pulls me even closer so that his lips are just resting on my ear and begins to whisper words at such a low level that i cant make out the individual words, but feel their impact. as we un-entangle, he states, "i know you may not have heard any of that or all of it, but i think a part of you understands it." i simply open smile enough to say, "thank you" as he opens the car door. because i couldn't tell you what he whispered, but i can tell you that it felt like something in my core finally had the ability to exhale in release, and that a calm so varied from the internal stress and anxiety i was holding, took control of my body.
-----------
as i climbed into bed, i began to draft a text message to express my gratitude. midmessage he called and spent the following five minutes telling me that he wants to make sure that i know how important i am and how he is thankful for everything i bring into his life and finally that he needed to make sure that i knew he was grateful for me and doesnt take me for granted. i was stunned into silence.
-----------
i realize that i give our relationship a discredit by referring to it as a junior high relationship. the reality is that this relationship though not focused on the physicality of two individuals attracted to one another, has more actual emotional, spiritual and mental intimacy than i have ever experienced in a relationship.
but the reality of the physical intimacy is beyond my junior high days or even early high school days. there isnt that fumbling or awkwardness. but rather the freshness and importance of the smaller demonstrations of physical comfort.
---------
less than a week ago he came up behind me in an empty room and nibbled at my neck. if i close my eyes slightly and allow myself i can still feel the combination of sensations, from his facial hair, to the moistness of his lips to the light force of his teeth. every time i begin to think about it i remember the erykah badu song "i want somebody to walk up behind me and breath on my neck, just breath on my neck..." i know its quite cheesy, but its true. now since his discovery of the auto reaction and sensitivity i have on my neck, he takes full advantage of it. mind you im not complaining, at this rate i dont even care if people see the light red marks left behind or if i cant help but grab him tightly and pull him closer, as my body reacts with chills and goose bumps.
----------
last night was i drove him home from work and we shared our habitual hour or two alone in the car, recapping our days and attacking the larger issues and dynamics of life, he suggested that i take the long way home (a way ive never taken in that direction but rather only in return). as we dropped down the twisty hill he began to kiss my hand on every angle. silence fell over the car as i tried to maintain the focus needed to drive and keep us on the road.
----------
we sat there outside his house discussing music and falling silent again for a moment of energy and unspoken interaction. i found my head resting perfectly on his shoulder with my hand placed over his heart. in that moment i realized that i have recently been unable to find that level of comfort, security, and calm in any other person. i let my eyes drift shut, and squeezed out those thoughts from the warmth of my hand on his chest. he simply responded, "i know."
-----------
in our conversation i jest about my nerdy nature and he pulls me closely and said whispers loudly in my ear "no, brilliant. gorgeous. brilliant." a smile creeps across my face, and he pulls me even closer so that his lips are just resting on my ear and begins to whisper words at such a low level that i cant make out the individual words, but feel their impact. as we un-entangle, he states, "i know you may not have heard any of that or all of it, but i think a part of you understands it." i simply open smile enough to say, "thank you" as he opens the car door. because i couldn't tell you what he whispered, but i can tell you that it felt like something in my core finally had the ability to exhale in release, and that a calm so varied from the internal stress and anxiety i was holding, took control of my body.
-----------
as i climbed into bed, i began to draft a text message to express my gratitude. midmessage he called and spent the following five minutes telling me that he wants to make sure that i know how important i am and how he is thankful for everything i bring into his life and finally that he needed to make sure that i knew he was grateful for me and doesnt take me for granted. i was stunned into silence.
-----------
i realize that i give our relationship a discredit by referring to it as a junior high relationship. the reality is that this relationship though not focused on the physicality of two individuals attracted to one another, has more actual emotional, spiritual and mental intimacy than i have ever experienced in a relationship.
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