Your Sun Sign: Pisces Sun 29° Pisces 16'
Element:
Water
Key Planet:
Neptune
Fish appear to be individuals, but have you ever seen a school of them swimming together? They act as one. Each is part of a greater whole. And you Pisces Fish are more aware of your interdependency than any other sign. It's as if you live in an ocean and the spirit that flows through you is like the one ocean that flows through all fishes. The symbol of the Fish is also the symbol of Christianity, the predominant religion during the past two thousand years -- also known to astrologers as the "Age of Pisces."
Motto: "Reality is just a shared illusion."
Greatest Strength: Your compassion for those in need
Possible Weakness: Confusion can put you at a disadvantage
Your Moon Sign: Scorpio Moon 1° Scorpio 04'
It can be hard to trust others when you have the Moon in Scorpio because you are so sensitive to questions of power and control. You're aware of deep issues that most people don't want to face. You know what it's like to go to the very depths of emotions, both with passion and with fear. You need intensity, even if that means shaking up a relationship at times. That's because you're not satisfied with what lies on the surface. Getting to the bottom of things can disturb others (and you as well)… but it's hard to keep from going where your feelings take you. It's this emotional courage, though, that makes you such a powerful person, able to work through complex matters that most people refuse to face.
Motto: "No one feels more intensely than me."
Greatest Strength: Emotional persistence
Possible Weakness: Shame about your secrets
Your Rising Sign: Taurus Ascendant 26° Taurus 52'
You come across as calm, steady and down to earth. That's why people tend to trust you, which is exactly what you want. Avoiding conflict is a major part of your approach to the world, preferring to keep your feelings to yourself if that's what it takes to maintain the peace. You appear patient and easygoing, rarely coming across as demanding or difficult. That helps keep people from pushing and probing, trying to find out what you really want. But it can be useful to let down your guard at times and be less in control of yourself if you want to grow closer with others.
Motto: "Don't show them what you're after.”
Greatest Strength: Bringing a calm approach to tense situations
Possible Weakness: Resistance to revealing your true feelings
Your Chinese Sign: The Rat
The RAT … THE RELENTLESS RAT
Mantra: My charm helps me survive.
Determined when he or she wants something, the Rat will work hard to get it. Rats are also very conscious and measured around money. But under their calm, charming veneer, aggression may be lurking. The Rat uses intellectual power for critical decision-making and is a mastermind when it comes to small details. Practical, but sometimes lacking vision and courage, the Rat can block his or her success because of greed and conservatism. Inner fear makes Rats unpredictable -- so don't let their charm fool you.
12.20.2008
the first time
last night was the first time that i said or even realized that i came to pittsburgh to run away. not from anything i left behind. instead something i discovered that i couldn't leave behind. i wanted to run from myself oddly. part of me thought that if i left everyone i knew, i could change part of my core identity. as he said last night the ilk exists if we admit it or listen to others or not.
the mystic told me...
barbara, the mystic in my dream last week told me, "that that was the past. tomorrow is the future," when i mentioned my frustration with him and i always as ships passing in the night. right before that i had mentioned his name and a light ebbed out of her core and a glow came over her as my whole body was taken over by goosebumps so strong i began to shake and move towards her. i then told barbara that one of the reasons that i respect him so much, is because he sees the spiritual things that i see. she agreed with me and smiled, "yes, i know. i knew his mother."
last night i went back to the bar with the intention of putting it all out there or at least attempting to flirt a bit. but it is never what i intent. rather he began a conversation, one that he needed to have, which ironically was caused by the attention that others felt they needed from him. as we talked and he cleaned, prepared and moved furniture, i came to realize that he and i are much more alike than i generally see. and the gift and cure of what we see and who we are can weigh heavy. im glad i can find comfort in knowing others are similar.
last night i went back to the bar with the intention of putting it all out there or at least attempting to flirt a bit. but it is never what i intent. rather he began a conversation, one that he needed to have, which ironically was caused by the attention that others felt they needed from him. as we talked and he cleaned, prepared and moved furniture, i came to realize that he and i are much more alike than i generally see. and the gift and cure of what we see and who we are can weigh heavy. im glad i can find comfort in knowing others are similar.
12.16.2008
not good
at waiting.
there is a chance my day to day life could change drastically, quickly.
i need an email back to know for sure.
so im waiting.
waiting
waiting
there is a chance my day to day life could change drastically, quickly.
i need an email back to know for sure.
so im waiting.
waiting
waiting
12.15.2008
12.08.2008
In the Trash
Bar Manger’s Wife Beater
I finally threw out his stained wife beater. It had sat in the back of my underwear drawer for almost a year now. He left it the second to last night we spent together. He left it because he knew it would piss off my normal bedmate if he found it. He left it because even if I didn’t say it, there was someone else. He left it because he knew me much better than most. He left it because he knew I would keep it. But last week, I threw it out. After all I knew the day he asked me if I was pregnant and reminded me, if I was we would be married, it was over. I knew when I realized though I was now his other girl I was always his primary girl. More importantly the girl needed him because inside of her was growing a little him. And really I didn’t need him, even if he really wanted me to need him. We don’t always get what we want.
Poet’s Emails
My hard drive crashed, driving me to purge my email in hopes of finding old documents and photos. I had kept everyone of his emails in a folder entitled “Rain Lover.” The title’s meaning is no longer important though more than the obvious. We parted ways 16 months ago, and like any normal long-term relationship we took our bounties to the harm of each other. He has my feather bed, fans, and various other items. I somehow just kept him emails. Until this week, as I searched scanning for what I felt I had lost in my technology mishaps, and I realized his emails, poems, words, lies…they were not what I was looking for. They were empty lines filling my inbox. I deleted them and their folder.
Carpenter’s Toothbrush
It really hasn’t been that long. Not long at all if you count the last time he came over after drinking too much Jameson or the last time he pulled me aside aggressively picking me up by my hips and ass to kiss me. But it was time. I had let his toothbrush sit in my medicine cabinet for the last two months untouched. A toothbrush’s whose presence unnerved me once I noticed it. It wasn’t invited. It simply appeared, a symbol of the way our relationship happened, continued, and finished. I threw it out, after I debated if I should use it for cleaning or leave it for him at work one day or place it under his windshield wiper with a note. But then again, I’m not that type of girl. I haven’t had that much hate, spite or maybe just balls. So I just threw it out. Nonchalantly took it out of the medicine cabinet and tossed it into the trashcan one evening, just like we did to our relationship.
Oddly it feels right. Simple. Clean. They picked up the trash from the curb last night.
I finally threw out his stained wife beater. It had sat in the back of my underwear drawer for almost a year now. He left it the second to last night we spent together. He left it because he knew it would piss off my normal bedmate if he found it. He left it because even if I didn’t say it, there was someone else. He left it because he knew me much better than most. He left it because he knew I would keep it. But last week, I threw it out. After all I knew the day he asked me if I was pregnant and reminded me, if I was we would be married, it was over. I knew when I realized though I was now his other girl I was always his primary girl. More importantly the girl needed him because inside of her was growing a little him. And really I didn’t need him, even if he really wanted me to need him. We don’t always get what we want.
Poet’s Emails
My hard drive crashed, driving me to purge my email in hopes of finding old documents and photos. I had kept everyone of his emails in a folder entitled “Rain Lover.” The title’s meaning is no longer important though more than the obvious. We parted ways 16 months ago, and like any normal long-term relationship we took our bounties to the harm of each other. He has my feather bed, fans, and various other items. I somehow just kept him emails. Until this week, as I searched scanning for what I felt I had lost in my technology mishaps, and I realized his emails, poems, words, lies…they were not what I was looking for. They were empty lines filling my inbox. I deleted them and their folder.
Carpenter’s Toothbrush
It really hasn’t been that long. Not long at all if you count the last time he came over after drinking too much Jameson or the last time he pulled me aside aggressively picking me up by my hips and ass to kiss me. But it was time. I had let his toothbrush sit in my medicine cabinet for the last two months untouched. A toothbrush’s whose presence unnerved me once I noticed it. It wasn’t invited. It simply appeared, a symbol of the way our relationship happened, continued, and finished. I threw it out, after I debated if I should use it for cleaning or leave it for him at work one day or place it under his windshield wiper with a note. But then again, I’m not that type of girl. I haven’t had that much hate, spite or maybe just balls. So I just threw it out. Nonchalantly took it out of the medicine cabinet and tossed it into the trashcan one evening, just like we did to our relationship.
Oddly it feels right. Simple. Clean. They picked up the trash from the curb last night.
monday morning thought
I think my dreams have become to vivid or my reality to fuzzy. I am having a hard time distinguishing the difference any more.
I doubt that is healthy.
I doubt that is healthy.
12.02.2008
12.01.2008
ive decided
to put it back on the back burner where it sat for so long before.
because playing with fire is the only way that you can truly understand it, but it is almost a promise that you will get burned. i may like to play with candles, flames, and wax - burning is not what i can handle right now.
even the other night when i thought he had blown the steam, he sent me perhaps the most meaningful text i could have come at that moment.
and then after i nearly breakdown and cry, i pull myself together enough to continue.
"there is something there," she says, "you can see it in the way he looks at you."
something is there. but i think i am coming to grips with it just being a something.
not everything. and not really anything.
because playing with fire is the only way that you can truly understand it, but it is almost a promise that you will get burned. i may like to play with candles, flames, and wax - burning is not what i can handle right now.
even the other night when i thought he had blown the steam, he sent me perhaps the most meaningful text i could have come at that moment.
and then after i nearly breakdown and cry, i pull myself together enough to continue.
"there is something there," she says, "you can see it in the way he looks at you."
something is there. but i think i am coming to grips with it just being a something.
not everything. and not really anything.
11.30.2008
badu plays over my ipod alarm clock radio into the dark bedroom at 2am. it is fitting that my nano refuses to scroll so i must start every session of music with badu. she has always spoke something to my soul.
through the wall behind me i can hear one of my best friends crawling into bed. her last night visiting me has been filled with red and sparkling wines, deep conversations, friends, and spirit rebuilding. we would talk into the night but the few hours of sleep we have absorbed in the last two days is petering out and totals less than a collective eight.
my mind spins even as my body is to tired to sit up. its amazing how the world can spin aournd your frontal cortex and drive the feeling of powerlessness coupled with determination into the deep folds of thought.
im looking for a sign. scratch that. the signs are there. i am trying to pry open my eyes, unclog my ears and unlock my senses so that i can actually see, hear, and know the signs that are there now.
through the wall behind me i can hear one of my best friends crawling into bed. her last night visiting me has been filled with red and sparkling wines, deep conversations, friends, and spirit rebuilding. we would talk into the night but the few hours of sleep we have absorbed in the last two days is petering out and totals less than a collective eight.
my mind spins even as my body is to tired to sit up. its amazing how the world can spin aournd your frontal cortex and drive the feeling of powerlessness coupled with determination into the deep folds of thought.
im looking for a sign. scratch that. the signs are there. i am trying to pry open my eyes, unclog my ears and unlock my senses so that i can actually see, hear, and know the signs that are there now.
11.25.2008
remind me
that for 24 im not doing that badly.
that money is just money even if i'm beyond broke.
that i am loved just the way i am.
that people find me attractive.
that i will find something that will make me content.
that my little brother will be safe.
that ill be able to look back and smile.
that one day ill find a new job that i feel appreciates and acknowledges me.
that i wont spend every night alone in my bed.
and if you wouldn't mind, offer me a hug and tell me everything will be alright.
and if you are feeling really gracious, kiss me briefly.
that money is just money even if i'm beyond broke.
that i am loved just the way i am.
that people find me attractive.
that i will find something that will make me content.
that my little brother will be safe.
that ill be able to look back and smile.
that one day ill find a new job that i feel appreciates and acknowledges me.
that i wont spend every night alone in my bed.
and if you wouldn't mind, offer me a hug and tell me everything will be alright.
and if you are feeling really gracious, kiss me briefly.
11.24.2008
its been a long week...
or maybe a long month...
or maybe just a long time...
and lately it just seems like it is getting longer.
today my coworker and friend announced that she is leaving our organization. this is far from a surprise but still sad to see her go. it will be good for her, and for that i am very excited. but i am quite sad that i wont have her where i am or on my professional team. our boss is out today so she doesn't know. i can only imagine the fall out. it will be thirty days before she leaves, so time will tell. just worried. scared. you know the drill.
our annual fundraiser was this last saturday. here is the link http://www.kreedphotography.com/blog/ to the first photos from the event. overall it was a success but really - we didnt raise as much money as we would have liked. it was good event, tiring, but good.
this last week my harddrive also died. yes, i should have backed it up but i didn't completely. having the loss of my photos, music, old school files and work files is more of a roadblock than i can fully comprehend. but i will survive.
i put myself out there to him - and no response. perhaps i need to take a break from the possible dating scene. but really im 24 and isnt this the prime age? isnt this when i am suppose to be having fun, going out, meeting people, finding someone... sigh. either way, i wish he didn't have so much of a connection with me - it makes it hard to not take this personally. it makes it even harder to know that it wont ever be what i think it could be.
my house is a mess. my money is a mess. my family is a mess. but thanksgiving is coming and with this holiday comes a good friend to town - a girlfriend and really that is what i need more than anything else.
or maybe just a long time...
and lately it just seems like it is getting longer.
today my coworker and friend announced that she is leaving our organization. this is far from a surprise but still sad to see her go. it will be good for her, and for that i am very excited. but i am quite sad that i wont have her where i am or on my professional team. our boss is out today so she doesn't know. i can only imagine the fall out. it will be thirty days before she leaves, so time will tell. just worried. scared. you know the drill.
our annual fundraiser was this last saturday. here is the link http://www.kreedphotography.com/blog/ to the first photos from the event. overall it was a success but really - we didnt raise as much money as we would have liked. it was good event, tiring, but good.
this last week my harddrive also died. yes, i should have backed it up but i didn't completely. having the loss of my photos, music, old school files and work files is more of a roadblock than i can fully comprehend. but i will survive.
i put myself out there to him - and no response. perhaps i need to take a break from the possible dating scene. but really im 24 and isnt this the prime age? isnt this when i am suppose to be having fun, going out, meeting people, finding someone... sigh. either way, i wish he didn't have so much of a connection with me - it makes it hard to not take this personally. it makes it even harder to know that it wont ever be what i think it could be.
my house is a mess. my money is a mess. my family is a mess. but thanksgiving is coming and with this holiday comes a good friend to town - a girlfriend and really that is what i need more than anything else.
11.16.2008
what i want
its cliche. its over asked and over used. i did it when i was five and also when i was in junior high. its harder than we readily admit and more often than not we don't give it the weight that it deserves. we often no more than we think we do. so often we simply chose not to listen to ourselves.
so without further ado. here it is.
what i want in an intimate relationship
trust
honesty
fun and adventure
sexual chemistry
patience
consideration
creativity
ability to enjoy children
general understanding
interest in life
non-judgemental
mentally strong
passionate
i think that is it. perhaps i should be comparing individuals to that list.
but lately ive been wondering if the list of who i am and want to be in actually just more important.
so without further ado. here it is.
what i want in an intimate relationship
trust
honesty
fun and adventure
sexual chemistry
patience
consideration
creativity
ability to enjoy children
general understanding
interest in life
non-judgemental
mentally strong
passionate
i think that is it. perhaps i should be comparing individuals to that list.
but lately ive been wondering if the list of who i am and want to be in actually just more important.
11.14.2008
tired
so tired of heartbreak.
tired of watching those i love struggle.
tired of struggling so much myself.
it breaks my heart to read the paper. brings tears to my eyes to realize my lack of ability even keeping my life in line.
im broke. really broke. working two jobs, spending less than fifty dollars on food and drinks a week broke.
im nearly at whits end. scratch that for tonight, i am. and for tonight, im throwing in the towel.
tired of watching those i love struggle.
tired of struggling so much myself.
it breaks my heart to read the paper. brings tears to my eyes to realize my lack of ability even keeping my life in line.
im broke. really broke. working two jobs, spending less than fifty dollars on food and drinks a week broke.
im nearly at whits end. scratch that for tonight, i am. and for tonight, im throwing in the towel.
11.09.2008
couldn't help myself
but really how was i selected to be the one modeling the obama brownies in the first place?
waver
so. i dont know the story. thus i cant know the ending.
i only know my slips, climbs, and falls.
i wavered. but perhaps wavering is the right answer.
replay the moments.
rewind. replay. repeat if needed.
---
wanna see?
like a five year old.
---
his mother is a mystic
his name means 'thankyou'
---
i need to push this out - no more.
i only know my slips, climbs, and falls.
i wavered. but perhaps wavering is the right answer.
replay the moments.
rewind. replay. repeat if needed.
---
wanna see?
like a five year old.
---
his mother is a mystic
his name means 'thankyou'
---
i need to push this out - no more.
11.07.2008
manic
as i walked to my front porch i couldn't help but think that one day i would like to watch the sunrise with him. just simply watch the day turn over. i told him that in a text message. im sure it will be read how he wants to read it. but i mean it in a full sense. his response, "no problem."
i sometimes worry that there are only so many people in the world that you can actually groove with on all levels. im not saying in the mating sense, but more in the actually understanding, connecting, and engaging... perhaps even challenge in the right way towards growth and self actualization. the fact that these people exist is a beautiful and magical reality - i simply worry that if i meet too many of them too early i will lose them or perhaps if i dont embrace them when they are there i will never have the chance again.
tonight - god, tonight.
tonight has been everything and nothing at the same time. the oddities of the night only highlighted the preexisting realities, drawing the third eye. i know the "bull" is a destructive person for me to have in my life currently, perhaps at anytime. but tonight was the first night the "aries" came out and said it.
im waiting for a sign to point in the other direction. yes, i do believe that signs exist when we choose to see them. in reality its how our mind processes, how the brain fires without our understanding. but all the signs are pointing to something strong. something organic, unforced, sustaining, empowering, engaging, and something i have come to love dearly. im surprised my doubt has not poked a hole in this even internally. what is the person who casts out doubt - to be biblical - only true love casts out doubt.
i sometimes worry that there are only so many people in the world that you can actually groove with on all levels. im not saying in the mating sense, but more in the actually understanding, connecting, and engaging... perhaps even challenge in the right way towards growth and self actualization. the fact that these people exist is a beautiful and magical reality - i simply worry that if i meet too many of them too early i will lose them or perhaps if i dont embrace them when they are there i will never have the chance again.
tonight - god, tonight.
tonight has been everything and nothing at the same time. the oddities of the night only highlighted the preexisting realities, drawing the third eye. i know the "bull" is a destructive person for me to have in my life currently, perhaps at anytime. but tonight was the first night the "aries" came out and said it.
im waiting for a sign to point in the other direction. yes, i do believe that signs exist when we choose to see them. in reality its how our mind processes, how the brain fires without our understanding. but all the signs are pointing to something strong. something organic, unforced, sustaining, empowering, engaging, and something i have come to love dearly. im surprised my doubt has not poked a hole in this even internally. what is the person who casts out doubt - to be biblical - only true love casts out doubt.
11.06.2008
me. the ugly pieces.
im 24.
im broke.
i have more college and grad school loans than i would like to admit.
i have a masters degree.
i have two jobs - one full time and one part time.
i'm taking a leadership class for leaders in education.
i'm struggling to pay the bills.
most of the people i love are elsewhere. im not sure if im running from them or they are from me.
my family thinks i am a fuck up but yet they aspire to be me.
people in my life think i have my shit together - but the reality is... i dont.
i often want to pack up and run away, or simplify.
i am not comfortable with my body. never have been. only dream one day to be.
i am tried of being accomplished for being young. im tried of being too young to be where i want to be.
im lonely. not all the time, but a large portion of the time.
i fall in love and love the wrong men.
sadly the good men that i really love, i never allow to be more than a huge support.
i love people and for most people would do more than i should - risking my won sanity and financial status.
im considering selling the necklaces my father gave me to pay him some of the money he wants. is that wrong? i never wear them and i dont like gold.
the worse part.... i'm not proud of who i am.
i guess there is more to say. but im done putting it out there to the real world, as small as this blog reaches.
im broke.
i have more college and grad school loans than i would like to admit.
i have a masters degree.
i have two jobs - one full time and one part time.
i'm taking a leadership class for leaders in education.
i'm struggling to pay the bills.
most of the people i love are elsewhere. im not sure if im running from them or they are from me.
my family thinks i am a fuck up but yet they aspire to be me.
people in my life think i have my shit together - but the reality is... i dont.
i often want to pack up and run away, or simplify.
i am not comfortable with my body. never have been. only dream one day to be.
i am tried of being accomplished for being young. im tried of being too young to be where i want to be.
im lonely. not all the time, but a large portion of the time.
i fall in love and love the wrong men.
sadly the good men that i really love, i never allow to be more than a huge support.
i love people and for most people would do more than i should - risking my won sanity and financial status.
im considering selling the necklaces my father gave me to pay him some of the money he wants. is that wrong? i never wear them and i dont like gold.
the worse part.... i'm not proud of who i am.
i guess there is more to say. but im done putting it out there to the real world, as small as this blog reaches.
11.05.2008
this is how i feel
i could not put it into these words - but she did so wonderfully.
http://jezebel.com/5077253/maya-angelou-on-barack-obama-we-all-rise?autoplay=true
http://jezebel.com/5077253/maya-angelou-on-barack-obama-we-all-rise?autoplay=true
mark it down
remember that moment. the moment when you heard/when you read the words on the tv. obama has won. historic. monumental. golden. tears. cheers. hugs. and a reality that hours later has yet to fully set in.
for now i can just say - for the first time, whole heartedly -I am proud to be a part of this country and I am damn proud of how this country came together to take the first steps towards change.
for now i can just say - for the first time, whole heartedly -I am proud to be a part of this country and I am damn proud of how this country came together to take the first steps towards change.
10.30.2008
my fortune cookie
"Absence sharpens love, but presence strengthens it"
so much truer than i want to admit.
the last 48 hours has been quite odd.
so much truer than i want to admit.
the last 48 hours has been quite odd.
10.28.2008
freshly inked
not everything i wanted but for good reason. i think the fish will appear larger in the future on the body.
but my "she who watches"
10.27.2008
bad tv is like a bowl of chocolate covered cherries
guilty secret - or is it guilty pleasure?
either way i will admit that i pull meaning out of bad tv and relate it to my life. i can watch a sitcom no matter how bad or good and somehow relate my personal life to the theme or message or drama shown. if i allow myself i can cry, grow and sometimes even make large life decisions.
tonight, no such decisions were made. rather, i just watched and realized the bittersweet fear that i harbor. you know the reason why i shoved aside the advances and encouraged and continued the game of cat and mouse, is because i worry that the beginning of him and i would lead to its end. i would rather hold on to what i have rather than risk losing the little bit of love that i toy with each week (twice a week if im lucky).
somehow - that idea wont stop haunting me tonight.
either way i will admit that i pull meaning out of bad tv and relate it to my life. i can watch a sitcom no matter how bad or good and somehow relate my personal life to the theme or message or drama shown. if i allow myself i can cry, grow and sometimes even make large life decisions.
tonight, no such decisions were made. rather, i just watched and realized the bittersweet fear that i harbor. you know the reason why i shoved aside the advances and encouraged and continued the game of cat and mouse, is because i worry that the beginning of him and i would lead to its end. i would rather hold on to what i have rather than risk losing the little bit of love that i toy with each week (twice a week if im lucky).
somehow - that idea wont stop haunting me tonight.
10.25.2008
breaking things...
In the odd turns of life - while my mom and stepfather are in town I promised to add music to their new iphones. Yes, my parents have iphones, and I don't. But the odd part is that I broke it or rather had to completely restore it when I plugged it into my computer. So basically I lost two weeks of my mom's photos and means I am attempting to make it up by setting up here itunes account for her (they didnt do that at the store) and give her about 2000 songs out of my collection that i think she will love.
this of course raises questions...
why do they have one and not me?
do i really want one or is it just a wanting what others have?
do you think that she will survive without the photos?
why do i have so many songs on my computer?
why dont i have a larger hard drive?
anyhow - back to problem solving.
this of course raises questions...
why do they have one and not me?
do i really want one or is it just a wanting what others have?
do you think that she will survive without the photos?
why do i have so many songs on my computer?
why dont i have a larger hard drive?
anyhow - back to problem solving.
10.24.2008
A few photos from Esprit de Pittsburgh
Here are a few photos that one of the TV news stations took of the event that I planned to Pittsburgh Young Professionals.
Overall a success but improvements will be made next year.
http://www.wpxi.com/slideshow/vj/17786489/detail.html
Overall a success but improvements will be made next year.
http://www.wpxi.com/slideshow/vj/17786489/detail.html
10.23.2008
Appointment Set
Tuesday afternoon this image with a few minor adjustments, will become a permanent part of the top of my left foot. over a year in the making - the time has come. full description of the image and its full personal and historical meaning to come. for now, just a teaser image.
a blend in rapid fire
My mom and step dad arrived last night to Pittsburgh. Since I live 3,000 miles from my family its monumental to see them and spend time with them. This time in particular since I haven't seen either of them for 10 months. Having them here means I have turned a bit into a giddy school girl (yes, it can happen) and also tour guide (less of the stretch of the imagination). Dinner at Kaya last night was delicious.
I dreamed about my students last night - I dont think I have never had a dream about my students before. I only seem them twice a week at their after school arts programming, but last night they appeared. It was a comforting dream of connecting. This term I have the benefit of teaching two of the students from my class last year. Watching them grow and develop has provided me with not only satisfaction but hope. More on that topic later.
Take a minute and listen to John Legend's song of his new ablum (not yet released) "It's Over" featuring Kanye West. This is perhaps my fav off the new ablum that I have heard. "Good Morning" is the old John which I of course love as well, but can't relate to in this minute.
Smokey Robinson on Saturday.
I dreamed about my students last night - I dont think I have never had a dream about my students before. I only seem them twice a week at their after school arts programming, but last night they appeared. It was a comforting dream of connecting. This term I have the benefit of teaching two of the students from my class last year. Watching them grow and develop has provided me with not only satisfaction but hope. More on that topic later.
Take a minute and listen to John Legend's song of his new ablum (not yet released) "It's Over" featuring Kanye West. This is perhaps my fav off the new ablum that I have heard. "Good Morning" is the old John which I of course love as well, but can't relate to in this minute.
Smokey Robinson on Saturday.
10.18.2008
realization
A comment he made as we stood at my car at 3am stuck with me. Our conversation had begun around the corner transition, changed, shifted and then returned. At one point he had actually walked across the street back to the bar only to cross the lanes again to continue our conversation. We have a way with each other, always challenging, inquiring but yet knowing more than we say aloud.
His comment was on me as an individual, on my “case-study” as he called it. At first I couldn’t tell if the comment resonated through my head over the course of the last few days simply because he said it. Surely we have had more signature discussions and detailed flirting than that. Was it fear of having someone study who I was? Somehow I think the issue was that for the first time in my life, I’ve wanted someone to actually study who I am and care for me in that way. Perhaps even more amazing is that he, specifically him, is one of the first men that I have meet that make me want to share who I am, what made me who I am, and how that will help me be who I want to be in the future.
I honestly don’t think that he and I will ever be more than supportive kindred souls, but the fact that there he is there means there might be more. Above that I am more ready than I have been before to perhaps allow someone to study me.
His comment was on me as an individual, on my “case-study” as he called it. At first I couldn’t tell if the comment resonated through my head over the course of the last few days simply because he said it. Surely we have had more signature discussions and detailed flirting than that. Was it fear of having someone study who I was? Somehow I think the issue was that for the first time in my life, I’ve wanted someone to actually study who I am and care for me in that way. Perhaps even more amazing is that he, specifically him, is one of the first men that I have meet that make me want to share who I am, what made me who I am, and how that will help me be who I want to be in the future.
I honestly don’t think that he and I will ever be more than supportive kindred souls, but the fact that there he is there means there might be more. Above that I am more ready than I have been before to perhaps allow someone to study me.
10.13.2008
fall encourages
There is a big leaf maple tree directly outside my window at the office - an acer microphyllum if i remember from what Mr. Shroufe taught us in 10th grade. Its beautiful, full and vibrant. I have yet to take a photo that will do its true nature enough praise. And trust me I have tried many times.
Its strong red colorings are almost the red of california poppy and the green the color of healthy oregon grass....and well the orange is the perfect harvest moon or the brightest freshly washed pumpkin and the bark a deep chocolate brown providing a great contract against the bright colors.
i wish words or film could do it justice. because i feel like when i see its real beauty i can't help but feel a bit at peace with the seasonal ebb and flow of life. its a great reminder of how long this whole world has been going on and surviving without my stressing or the drama of daily life.
Its strong red colorings are almost the red of california poppy and the green the color of healthy oregon grass....and well the orange is the perfect harvest moon or the brightest freshly washed pumpkin and the bark a deep chocolate brown providing a great contract against the bright colors.
i wish words or film could do it justice. because i feel like when i see its real beauty i can't help but feel a bit at peace with the seasonal ebb and flow of life. its a great reminder of how long this whole world has been going on and surviving without my stressing or the drama of daily life.
10.07.2008
on the human body
the reality is that our bodies or rather the human body itself is quite amazing. the way it regulates, cooperates, and constantly lives and dies.
perhaps the only time i take a minute to realize the complexity and sit in awe of its wonder is when it malfunctions, or when it is called to fight off infection or sickness.
my allergies have the best of me this week. this most likely due to my own lack of sleep and forgetting to take my daily allergy pill. needless to say, i am attempting to offer my body as much support as possible in the form of rest, hot tea, honey, zinc, vitamin c, and soup.
heres to you body - at toast of hot honey water.
perhaps the only time i take a minute to realize the complexity and sit in awe of its wonder is when it malfunctions, or when it is called to fight off infection or sickness.
my allergies have the best of me this week. this most likely due to my own lack of sleep and forgetting to take my daily allergy pill. needless to say, i am attempting to offer my body as much support as possible in the form of rest, hot tea, honey, zinc, vitamin c, and soup.
heres to you body - at toast of hot honey water.
10.02.2008
how to win my heart
way # 232 - i came back to the bar, to find that he had left work to run to the store and buy hot chocolate for me because an hour earlier i had mentioned that i had been craving hot chocolate with some liqueur for two days.
perhaps one of the sweetest things he could have done at that moment. its funny because though its small, it is nice to have someone take care of me, even if in the slightest way. when i thanked him, he said that i often take care of him and i deserved it. strange that its all just something that happens at a bar with a bartender who knows or simply sees elements of me that most people never do.
now if i could just get through the mixed messages..... possible girlfriend vs. a greeting of biting me on the ass (i had the marks to prove it). sigh.
perhaps one of the sweetest things he could have done at that moment. its funny because though its small, it is nice to have someone take care of me, even if in the slightest way. when i thanked him, he said that i often take care of him and i deserved it. strange that its all just something that happens at a bar with a bartender who knows or simply sees elements of me that most people never do.
now if i could just get through the mixed messages..... possible girlfriend vs. a greeting of biting me on the ass (i had the marks to prove it). sigh.
9.26.2008
i think its time
so for the last six months or more I have been forming my next tattoo. Its been quite a while since my second one and this one is very important and symbolic to my past and how it influences who I am today.
here are tidbits of the imagery. basically i want to take my idea and all that i can to the artist to demonstrate what i am looking for.
it will be on the top of my left foot (which i am sure will hurt like a bitch, but so it goes). the "she who watches" (which my grandmother used to visit with me and tell me the story each time before she died) will be in the middle in the redish-brown color of the pictograph photo and then the native american salmons will be swimming in opposition bound by a rope on the top left and bottom right corner signifying my pisces nature.
here are tidbits of the imagery. basically i want to take my idea and all that i can to the artist to demonstrate what i am looking for.
 |
| From Bit and Bites |
it will be on the top of my left foot (which i am sure will hurt like a bitch, but so it goes). the "she who watches" (which my grandmother used to visit with me and tell me the story each time before she died) will be in the middle in the redish-brown color of the pictograph photo and then the native american salmons will be swimming in opposition bound by a rope on the top left and bottom right corner signifying my pisces nature.
9.24.2008
on love and such
its funny.
as humans we are always striving to be loved.
im lucky to have so many people in my life that tell me they love me and that i also love.
have i mentioned that lately?
but the question is... how often do we really have real love between people (on any level) noticed or unnoticed?
ps do you think anyone will ever love me, including the fact that at times i cry when i watch cheesy television shows? i sure hopes so.
as humans we are always striving to be loved.
im lucky to have so many people in my life that tell me they love me and that i also love.
have i mentioned that lately?
but the question is... how often do we really have real love between people (on any level) noticed or unnoticed?
ps do you think anyone will ever love me, including the fact that at times i cry when i watch cheesy television shows? i sure hopes so.
9.23.2008
look ma i'm in the paper
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/cityregion/s_589592.html
yeah that's me on the front page of today's paper.
crazy, huh?
yeah that's me on the front page of today's paper.
crazy, huh?
9.22.2008
and then there are the people who just always seem to be there....
even if you seem to forget that they were ever there.
somethings make you stronger. others just remind you of how strong you have always been. and then even some make sure that you can't forget that being strong is far different than you remember it being.
even if you seem to forget that they were ever there.
somethings make you stronger. others just remind you of how strong you have always been. and then even some make sure that you can't forget that being strong is far different than you remember it being.
9.21.2008
my cards. i figure just like a horoscope, you read what you want to read
 | how you feel about yourself now (The Sun) You are feeling abundant happy and joyful - if you don’t, be assured that you are about to enter a period of success and fulfillment. This is a time of pleasure, vitality and good health, travel and holidays to be enjoyed. Good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby. The Sun heralds an ending to difficulties and a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones. |
 | what you most want at this moment (The Empress) The cards suggest k, that at this time you desire comfort, security and happiness and may well need some emotional support and reassurance. (If you are considering having a baby the desire will be very strong at this time, or perhaps you are already pregnant and you have some concerns. If male, perhaps you are considering fatherhood with someone but have concerns.) Things will turn out fine, just know that you are loved and that there are people around you who care. |
 | your fears (The Hanged Man) You fear letting go, yet this place of limbo and indecision is not a good place to be. Are you being emotionally blackmailed so you don’t go? Don’t be the victim. Sometimes we have to have the strength to let go to attract new positive possibilities in our life. |
 | what is going for you (The Moon) Despite the fear and bewilderment you feel, and the seeming difficulty of the path you have chosen, keep going - all will eventually turn out fine. The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair; it also shows us how to be open to new and unexpected possibilities. |
 | what is going against you (The Tower) However hard you try to control events they just won’t go your way. Unexpected challenges, upheaval and disappointment will bring expectations to an end. Subconsciously you may have wanted a solution, you just didn’t expect it to happen this way. Use this period of change as an opportunity for a new beginning. If you have been planning to move home you will be experiencing setbacks. |
 | outcome (The High Priestess) Your intuitive powers are at their height at this moment in time; only by listening carefully and trusting them completely can you embrace that power. Do this and you will make strong, clear, self-assured decisions. Allow for flexibility and expect promising outcomes. |
9.18.2008
upcoming highlights - preping for a weekend away
i think this weekend johanna and i will be spending a big 10 bucks to go see q-tip spin and dance our asses off.... i just stumbled upon this - this latest video....
also this weekend we will be seeing Fela! For those of you who don't know about the historical figure and legend, Fela Kuti - take a minute and look into it. I think you will be surprised at how interesting it really is.
welcome weekend of revitalization and rejuvenilization.
only four hours until i blow this popcile stick and head to the airport.
also this weekend we will be seeing Fela! For those of you who don't know about the historical figure and legend, Fela Kuti - take a minute and look into it. I think you will be surprised at how interesting it really is.
welcome weekend of revitalization and rejuvenilization.
only four hours until i blow this popcile stick and head to the airport.
9.17.2008
seeing how pdx stacks up
Portland, Oregon
A model city for urban planning, Portland ranked No. 1 for public transportation and pedestrian friendliness, safety, cleanliness, public parks, and environmental awareness. It didn't score in the bottom five for any overall category.
Best Feature
Environmental awareness (#1)Worst Feature
Luxury boutiques (#24)| Category | Score (out of 5) | Rank (out of 25) |
|---|---|---|
| Classical music | 3.90 | 11 |
| Historical sites/monuments | 3.78 | 19 |
| Live music/bands | 4.46 | 9 |
| Museums/galleries | 4.07 | 13 |
| Theater | 3.97 | 10 |
| Category | Score (out of 5) | Rank (out of 25) |
|---|---|---|
| Cafés/coffee bars | 4.67 | 2 |
| Destination restaurants | 4.30 | 18 |
| Ethnic food/cheap eats | 4.35 | 8 |
| Farmers’ and specialty food markets | 4.52 | 2 |
| Category | Score (out of 5) | Rank (out of 25) |
|---|---|---|
| Cocktail hour/lounge scene | 4.25 | 18 |
| Late-night/club scene | 4.03 | 19 |
| Singles/bar scene | 4.16 | 18 |
| Category | Score (out of 5) | Rank (out of 25) |
|---|---|---|
| Athletic/active | 4.53 | 3 |
| Attractive | 4.04 | 13 |
| Diverse | 4.01 | 18 |
| Friendly | 4.42 | 6 |
| Intelligent | 4.44 | 4 |
| Stylish | 3.75 | 18 |
| Category | Score (out of 5) | Rank (out of 25) |
|---|---|---|
| Affordability | 3.76 | 7 |
| Cleanliness | 4.54 | 1 |
| Environmental awareness | 4.76 | 1 |
| Noteworthy neighborhoods | 4.31 | 8 |
| Peace and quiet | 4.18 | 4 |
| People-watching | 4.27 | 13 |
| Public parks and access to the outdoors | 4.76 | 1 |
| Public transportation and pedestrian friendliness | 4.56 | 1 |
| Safety | 4.20 | 1 |
| Skyline/views | 4.40 | 9 |
| Traffic | 3.69 | 2 |
| Weather | 3.47 | 19 |
| http://www.travelandleisure.com/afc/2008/ |
9.16.2008
i wish
that someone would tell me that i didn't have to do this alone...
and most importantly that i would believe them.
sometimes it feels like the hardest stuff in life, im destined to do alone.
and most importantly that i would believe them.
sometimes it feels like the hardest stuff in life, im destined to do alone.
somedays
the rundown
passed g and felt my heart fall into the acid of my stomach. some wounds take more time to heal than we expect. it had been a year since i had last seen him, even though we live in the same city. drunk and frustrated asked j what we were and haven't seen him since. talked a few times, but realizing that less than a month after our vacation... the happiness might just be memories and that i may have lost a good friend. two people can grow fairly close in a year, especially when they share a bed and the experiences of life.
helped one of my best friends move out of my house back to the west coast, knowing i couldn't help her fix her depression and anxiety. simply hoping for the best in her return and peace of mind. i feel like i simply failed her.
heard news that e's son was born. reminded that only six months ago i closed a chapter on my life by having him move away. i don't want to be in the situation he is in now, but at one point i wanted a situation with him.
my brother called to tell me he leaves in a week for boot camp. since the marines fell through, he has decided to move on to the army. funny, the army just signed him up and will ship him out within a week. i only have one sibling, and i am terrified to lose him.
but at least i have power at the house after the storm.
passed g and felt my heart fall into the acid of my stomach. some wounds take more time to heal than we expect. it had been a year since i had last seen him, even though we live in the same city. drunk and frustrated asked j what we were and haven't seen him since. talked a few times, but realizing that less than a month after our vacation... the happiness might just be memories and that i may have lost a good friend. two people can grow fairly close in a year, especially when they share a bed and the experiences of life.
helped one of my best friends move out of my house back to the west coast, knowing i couldn't help her fix her depression and anxiety. simply hoping for the best in her return and peace of mind. i feel like i simply failed her.
heard news that e's son was born. reminded that only six months ago i closed a chapter on my life by having him move away. i don't want to be in the situation he is in now, but at one point i wanted a situation with him.
my brother called to tell me he leaves in a week for boot camp. since the marines fell through, he has decided to move on to the army. funny, the army just signed him up and will ship him out within a week. i only have one sibling, and i am terrified to lose him.
but at least i have power at the house after the storm.
9.08.2008
searching
keep the resume updated and keep an ear to the ground.
scratch that... look, search, seek out!
scratch that... look, search, seek out!
9.07.2008
this used to be my playground
yes, tacky lyrics. yes, i do know that song. and yes, i know you do too.
how is that i used to be able to say it all here, but it all out on the line and express my fears, frustrations, loves, hopes, and realities... but now i don't even express myself in written word that often?
i have my paper and pen journal, but i have never given up my pen to paper expression.
also frustrating that i tend to only write when i am sad, broken, hurt, or angry. one might think these are the only emotions that i truly feel. this of course is unrealistic, and untrue.
in reading the years of my writing and personal expression one might also be able to pull out the themes of my frustrations. the constant determination of finding myself or making sure my life centers on me and that no one takes my respect from who i am. a constant battle to love myself above all else and to realize the importance of people in my life.....
sigh. once again verbal throw-up.
for now that it is it.
writing will increase.
how is that i used to be able to say it all here, but it all out on the line and express my fears, frustrations, loves, hopes, and realities... but now i don't even express myself in written word that often?
i have my paper and pen journal, but i have never given up my pen to paper expression.
also frustrating that i tend to only write when i am sad, broken, hurt, or angry. one might think these are the only emotions that i truly feel. this of course is unrealistic, and untrue.
in reading the years of my writing and personal expression one might also be able to pull out the themes of my frustrations. the constant determination of finding myself or making sure my life centers on me and that no one takes my respect from who i am. a constant battle to love myself above all else and to realize the importance of people in my life.....
sigh. once again verbal throw-up.
for now that it is it.
writing will increase.
3.25.2008
i want to be in love
but more than being in love with someone.... i really just want to be able to love myself.
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