3.31.2009
hold my hand
because im trying to do this. and im worried it might take a little more strength than i have today.
3.29.2009
assume
its been a strange weekend of working long beyond my established hours and duties. ive spent hours on ladders, scrubbing floors, and navigating volunteers. it has also been a weekend of awkward sleep patterns, naps costumed as full REM cycles, repeating dreams and waking up with the sweats, and fly by the pants lifestyle. its been a weekend of doing what i feel like i should be doing and of being surprised that what im doing feels like i should be doing it.
it isnt over. at this point at least. there are hours of painting, cleaning, socializing, and living to be done.
my original intention when opening my blog was to write about the experiences of last night and the weekend social interactions that i haven't been able to wrap my mind around.
----
the third time he brought it up, i realized he actually meant it. but because i struggle with my own self assurance, i had to ask him if he really meant it. i poured not only a bit of time, but a good chunk of my soul out into that mix. it was the only tangible thing that he asked for on his birthday after all.
"i want you to make me another one. it was perfect and i want more. when most people make a mix it generally feels like they are addressing it to you, or that they are trying to do what they think you will like, or that its you to them. but yours was so much bigger, it was like it was me to the world."
-----
i tired to judge his relationships with everyone around me. i tried to see if i could know how they were looking at their interactions or connections with him. i of course tried to do this without anyone knowing. i doubt i am that sly. moreover, i have a good feeling that he can see through it all, if he wants to. i could have played the game, tired to flirt, or even highlight the celebration. instead i was me. and somehow in all of that i cant say that i was lacking. more than anything else, it was a reminder that he was paying a bit of attention.
-----
watching relationships develop, people ache and heal. somehow last night i was reminded that there is hope. a lot of hope. because it just takes one for now. still have to work on figuring out how to transfer that hope to my personal life and assurance.
-----
as i was getting ready to leave and make my slip out exit, he stopped me. offering another hug for the night, he said he was thinking of the same and that his crew just there waiting. anyhow - at that moment - he told me i should meet her. i say her, because i dont remember her name. more ironic i suppose is that she knew about me. she knew my birthday. she knew of me, and had heard of me. and even know i dont know her name. so the question is... who is she? and who is she to him?
it isnt over. at this point at least. there are hours of painting, cleaning, socializing, and living to be done.
my original intention when opening my blog was to write about the experiences of last night and the weekend social interactions that i haven't been able to wrap my mind around.
----
the third time he brought it up, i realized he actually meant it. but because i struggle with my own self assurance, i had to ask him if he really meant it. i poured not only a bit of time, but a good chunk of my soul out into that mix. it was the only tangible thing that he asked for on his birthday after all.
"i want you to make me another one. it was perfect and i want more. when most people make a mix it generally feels like they are addressing it to you, or that they are trying to do what they think you will like, or that its you to them. but yours was so much bigger, it was like it was me to the world."
-----
i tired to judge his relationships with everyone around me. i tried to see if i could know how they were looking at their interactions or connections with him. i of course tried to do this without anyone knowing. i doubt i am that sly. moreover, i have a good feeling that he can see through it all, if he wants to. i could have played the game, tired to flirt, or even highlight the celebration. instead i was me. and somehow in all of that i cant say that i was lacking. more than anything else, it was a reminder that he was paying a bit of attention.
-----
watching relationships develop, people ache and heal. somehow last night i was reminded that there is hope. a lot of hope. because it just takes one for now. still have to work on figuring out how to transfer that hope to my personal life and assurance.
-----
as i was getting ready to leave and make my slip out exit, he stopped me. offering another hug for the night, he said he was thinking of the same and that his crew just there waiting. anyhow - at that moment - he told me i should meet her. i say her, because i dont remember her name. more ironic i suppose is that she knew about me. she knew my birthday. she knew of me, and had heard of me. and even know i dont know her name. so the question is... who is she? and who is she to him?
3.26.2009
3.25.2009
3.22.2009
sunny afternoon thoughts
Please let me reiterate that I love his touch. Let me restate by saying that his fingers on my skin send sensations that cause inaudible moaning even when they are just finger-to-finger. And as his hand slides across my thigh and up and down my leg it takes all the strength that I have to keep the minimal amount of focus necessary to keep driving. He keeps touching. Even after I move my hand away to hold the wheel or use the turn signal, he keeps touching. Even after I have parked in front of his house, and we chat, his fingers dance along my palms.
I want to blurt out that if I would simply allow myself, I would be head over heels for you. But instead I let my eyes close as you brush our head into me to rest it on my chest. With your ear to my chest, can you hear my heart’s outcry through its beats? Can you hear it saying… seeing you can make any day brighten…when we hug I not only feel like I can breathe from head to toe but that you are breathing in sync with me…that each time you thank me for anything I do, I want to stop you by kissing your moving lips…that I’m scared to let you hear this all or to say it aloud. Just as I feel the need to blurt out it all, I take a deep breath and simply kiss your head right above your ear, hoping that somehow your soul has read mine and agreed.
I want to blurt out that if I would simply allow myself, I would be head over heels for you. But instead I let my eyes close as you brush our head into me to rest it on my chest. With your ear to my chest, can you hear my heart’s outcry through its beats? Can you hear it saying… seeing you can make any day brighten…when we hug I not only feel like I can breathe from head to toe but that you are breathing in sync with me…that each time you thank me for anything I do, I want to stop you by kissing your moving lips…that I’m scared to let you hear this all or to say it aloud. Just as I feel the need to blurt out it all, I take a deep breath and simply kiss your head right above your ear, hoping that somehow your soul has read mine and agreed.
3.21.2009
an aside.... which floods my memory as i crawl into bed
He compliments my back as we stand there in the empty bar and he unzips the dress just enough so I can get out of it myself when I get home. His hands slide across the skin of my shoulders and I take a deep breath in as I can feel his breath across my back. Even now as I sit in bed, I can feel the excitement radiate out of the spot on my back where he kissed me. I struggle to keep my eyes open and every time I close them the sensation of his lips, tongue, and teeth echo. My shoulders automatically move down and back pushing my chest out and a small moan sweeps from my lips while my epidermis of my cheeks redden slightly.
Twenty minutes earlier he was the one with is back fully exposed, as I snapped a photo of one of his tattoos. Tomorrow I am suppose to chat with his two tattoo artists about how he needs to get some work done on it, after I buy a t’shirt for him, check to see if they still have a pieces of art and get my new tattoo done. The funny thing is that I don’t mind doing those things for him and in fact feel a lil honored that he rests those things and contacts of his close friends in my hands.
As we embraced I kept thinking that this wasn’t the time to lose my self control. Not there in the lounge after hours with Kevin asleep on the couch. As our hands traced the outlines of our lives, spelled out down our spines, and across the hipbones, I paced my breathing with his. And as moved his shaved head across my skin, we began to morph together, changing shapes, pressing, shifting. Behind each of our hands was a firm passionate which occasionally broke from its caressing to tense and grab a hold. He squeezed pulling my body into his and my feet up out of my heels. I wanted to stay in that embrace for days and I suppose we did – because in it time was of no consequence, and its reality was simply pushed aside.
Twenty minutes earlier he was the one with is back fully exposed, as I snapped a photo of one of his tattoos. Tomorrow I am suppose to chat with his two tattoo artists about how he needs to get some work done on it, after I buy a t’shirt for him, check to see if they still have a pieces of art and get my new tattoo done. The funny thing is that I don’t mind doing those things for him and in fact feel a lil honored that he rests those things and contacts of his close friends in my hands.
As we embraced I kept thinking that this wasn’t the time to lose my self control. Not there in the lounge after hours with Kevin asleep on the couch. As our hands traced the outlines of our lives, spelled out down our spines, and across the hipbones, I paced my breathing with his. And as moved his shaved head across my skin, we began to morph together, changing shapes, pressing, shifting. Behind each of our hands was a firm passionate which occasionally broke from its caressing to tense and grab a hold. He squeezed pulling my body into his and my feet up out of my heels. I wanted to stay in that embrace for days and I suppose we did – because in it time was of no consequence, and its reality was simply pushed aside.
3.02.2009
looking back with the knowledge of today
last night i finished a journal. yes, i do still pick up a pen and book of paper to scribble out more thought than i share here. in fact, sometimes i will write every night for weeks, others simply when inspired. but as per tradition last night after i finished writing on the last page of the journal ive been using as my personal scroll for the last five months, i flipped to the very beginning to remind myself of where i was when i began.
i always find it interesting to reassess my thought process in hindsight. and though they say hindsight is 20/20, i would challenge that belief. we never really know how things would have changed if we changed our minds/actions - only assume that life would turn out a different way, because we don't know the effect of our changed action on the rest of the world. that may have been a bit convoluted, but i believe my point is discoverable in it.
more to say but work calls
i always find it interesting to reassess my thought process in hindsight. and though they say hindsight is 20/20, i would challenge that belief. we never really know how things would have changed if we changed our minds/actions - only assume that life would turn out a different way, because we don't know the effect of our changed action on the rest of the world. that may have been a bit convoluted, but i believe my point is discoverable in it.
more to say but work calls
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