Your Sun Sign: Pisces Sun 29° Pisces 16'
Element:
Water
Key Planet:
Neptune
Fish appear to be individuals, but have you ever seen a school of them swimming together? They act as one. Each is part of a greater whole. And you Pisces Fish are more aware of your interdependency than any other sign. It's as if you live in an ocean and the spirit that flows through you is like the one ocean that flows through all fishes. The symbol of the Fish is also the symbol of Christianity, the predominant religion during the past two thousand years -- also known to astrologers as the "Age of Pisces."
Motto: "Reality is just a shared illusion."
Greatest Strength: Your compassion for those in need
Possible Weakness: Confusion can put you at a disadvantage
Your Moon Sign: Scorpio Moon 1° Scorpio 04'
It can be hard to trust others when you have the Moon in Scorpio because you are so sensitive to questions of power and control. You're aware of deep issues that most people don't want to face. You know what it's like to go to the very depths of emotions, both with passion and with fear. You need intensity, even if that means shaking up a relationship at times. That's because you're not satisfied with what lies on the surface. Getting to the bottom of things can disturb others (and you as well)… but it's hard to keep from going where your feelings take you. It's this emotional courage, though, that makes you such a powerful person, able to work through complex matters that most people refuse to face.
Motto: "No one feels more intensely than me."
Greatest Strength: Emotional persistence
Possible Weakness: Shame about your secrets
Your Rising Sign: Taurus Ascendant 26° Taurus 52'
You come across as calm, steady and down to earth. That's why people tend to trust you, which is exactly what you want. Avoiding conflict is a major part of your approach to the world, preferring to keep your feelings to yourself if that's what it takes to maintain the peace. You appear patient and easygoing, rarely coming across as demanding or difficult. That helps keep people from pushing and probing, trying to find out what you really want. But it can be useful to let down your guard at times and be less in control of yourself if you want to grow closer with others.
Motto: "Don't show them what you're after.”
Greatest Strength: Bringing a calm approach to tense situations
Possible Weakness: Resistance to revealing your true feelings
Your Chinese Sign: The Rat
The RAT … THE RELENTLESS RAT
Mantra: My charm helps me survive.
Determined when he or she wants something, the Rat will work hard to get it. Rats are also very conscious and measured around money. But under their calm, charming veneer, aggression may be lurking. The Rat uses intellectual power for critical decision-making and is a mastermind when it comes to small details. Practical, but sometimes lacking vision and courage, the Rat can block his or her success because of greed and conservatism. Inner fear makes Rats unpredictable -- so don't let their charm fool you.
12.20.2008
the first time
last night was the first time that i said or even realized that i came to pittsburgh to run away. not from anything i left behind. instead something i discovered that i couldn't leave behind. i wanted to run from myself oddly. part of me thought that if i left everyone i knew, i could change part of my core identity. as he said last night the ilk exists if we admit it or listen to others or not.
the mystic told me...
barbara, the mystic in my dream last week told me, "that that was the past. tomorrow is the future," when i mentioned my frustration with him and i always as ships passing in the night. right before that i had mentioned his name and a light ebbed out of her core and a glow came over her as my whole body was taken over by goosebumps so strong i began to shake and move towards her. i then told barbara that one of the reasons that i respect him so much, is because he sees the spiritual things that i see. she agreed with me and smiled, "yes, i know. i knew his mother."
last night i went back to the bar with the intention of putting it all out there or at least attempting to flirt a bit. but it is never what i intent. rather he began a conversation, one that he needed to have, which ironically was caused by the attention that others felt they needed from him. as we talked and he cleaned, prepared and moved furniture, i came to realize that he and i are much more alike than i generally see. and the gift and cure of what we see and who we are can weigh heavy. im glad i can find comfort in knowing others are similar.
last night i went back to the bar with the intention of putting it all out there or at least attempting to flirt a bit. but it is never what i intent. rather he began a conversation, one that he needed to have, which ironically was caused by the attention that others felt they needed from him. as we talked and he cleaned, prepared and moved furniture, i came to realize that he and i are much more alike than i generally see. and the gift and cure of what we see and who we are can weigh heavy. im glad i can find comfort in knowing others are similar.
12.16.2008
not good
at waiting.
there is a chance my day to day life could change drastically, quickly.
i need an email back to know for sure.
so im waiting.
waiting
waiting
there is a chance my day to day life could change drastically, quickly.
i need an email back to know for sure.
so im waiting.
waiting
waiting
12.15.2008
12.08.2008
In the Trash
Bar Manger’s Wife Beater
I finally threw out his stained wife beater. It had sat in the back of my underwear drawer for almost a year now. He left it the second to last night we spent together. He left it because he knew it would piss off my normal bedmate if he found it. He left it because even if I didn’t say it, there was someone else. He left it because he knew me much better than most. He left it because he knew I would keep it. But last week, I threw it out. After all I knew the day he asked me if I was pregnant and reminded me, if I was we would be married, it was over. I knew when I realized though I was now his other girl I was always his primary girl. More importantly the girl needed him because inside of her was growing a little him. And really I didn’t need him, even if he really wanted me to need him. We don’t always get what we want.
Poet’s Emails
My hard drive crashed, driving me to purge my email in hopes of finding old documents and photos. I had kept everyone of his emails in a folder entitled “Rain Lover.” The title’s meaning is no longer important though more than the obvious. We parted ways 16 months ago, and like any normal long-term relationship we took our bounties to the harm of each other. He has my feather bed, fans, and various other items. I somehow just kept him emails. Until this week, as I searched scanning for what I felt I had lost in my technology mishaps, and I realized his emails, poems, words, lies…they were not what I was looking for. They were empty lines filling my inbox. I deleted them and their folder.
Carpenter’s Toothbrush
It really hasn’t been that long. Not long at all if you count the last time he came over after drinking too much Jameson or the last time he pulled me aside aggressively picking me up by my hips and ass to kiss me. But it was time. I had let his toothbrush sit in my medicine cabinet for the last two months untouched. A toothbrush’s whose presence unnerved me once I noticed it. It wasn’t invited. It simply appeared, a symbol of the way our relationship happened, continued, and finished. I threw it out, after I debated if I should use it for cleaning or leave it for him at work one day or place it under his windshield wiper with a note. But then again, I’m not that type of girl. I haven’t had that much hate, spite or maybe just balls. So I just threw it out. Nonchalantly took it out of the medicine cabinet and tossed it into the trashcan one evening, just like we did to our relationship.
Oddly it feels right. Simple. Clean. They picked up the trash from the curb last night.
I finally threw out his stained wife beater. It had sat in the back of my underwear drawer for almost a year now. He left it the second to last night we spent together. He left it because he knew it would piss off my normal bedmate if he found it. He left it because even if I didn’t say it, there was someone else. He left it because he knew me much better than most. He left it because he knew I would keep it. But last week, I threw it out. After all I knew the day he asked me if I was pregnant and reminded me, if I was we would be married, it was over. I knew when I realized though I was now his other girl I was always his primary girl. More importantly the girl needed him because inside of her was growing a little him. And really I didn’t need him, even if he really wanted me to need him. We don’t always get what we want.
Poet’s Emails
My hard drive crashed, driving me to purge my email in hopes of finding old documents and photos. I had kept everyone of his emails in a folder entitled “Rain Lover.” The title’s meaning is no longer important though more than the obvious. We parted ways 16 months ago, and like any normal long-term relationship we took our bounties to the harm of each other. He has my feather bed, fans, and various other items. I somehow just kept him emails. Until this week, as I searched scanning for what I felt I had lost in my technology mishaps, and I realized his emails, poems, words, lies…they were not what I was looking for. They were empty lines filling my inbox. I deleted them and their folder.
Carpenter’s Toothbrush
It really hasn’t been that long. Not long at all if you count the last time he came over after drinking too much Jameson or the last time he pulled me aside aggressively picking me up by my hips and ass to kiss me. But it was time. I had let his toothbrush sit in my medicine cabinet for the last two months untouched. A toothbrush’s whose presence unnerved me once I noticed it. It wasn’t invited. It simply appeared, a symbol of the way our relationship happened, continued, and finished. I threw it out, after I debated if I should use it for cleaning or leave it for him at work one day or place it under his windshield wiper with a note. But then again, I’m not that type of girl. I haven’t had that much hate, spite or maybe just balls. So I just threw it out. Nonchalantly took it out of the medicine cabinet and tossed it into the trashcan one evening, just like we did to our relationship.
Oddly it feels right. Simple. Clean. They picked up the trash from the curb last night.
monday morning thought
I think my dreams have become to vivid or my reality to fuzzy. I am having a hard time distinguishing the difference any more.
I doubt that is healthy.
I doubt that is healthy.
12.02.2008
12.01.2008
ive decided
to put it back on the back burner where it sat for so long before.
because playing with fire is the only way that you can truly understand it, but it is almost a promise that you will get burned. i may like to play with candles, flames, and wax - burning is not what i can handle right now.
even the other night when i thought he had blown the steam, he sent me perhaps the most meaningful text i could have come at that moment.
and then after i nearly breakdown and cry, i pull myself together enough to continue.
"there is something there," she says, "you can see it in the way he looks at you."
something is there. but i think i am coming to grips with it just being a something.
not everything. and not really anything.
because playing with fire is the only way that you can truly understand it, but it is almost a promise that you will get burned. i may like to play with candles, flames, and wax - burning is not what i can handle right now.
even the other night when i thought he had blown the steam, he sent me perhaps the most meaningful text i could have come at that moment.
and then after i nearly breakdown and cry, i pull myself together enough to continue.
"there is something there," she says, "you can see it in the way he looks at you."
something is there. but i think i am coming to grips with it just being a something.
not everything. and not really anything.
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