Its almost heartbreaking in a sincerely ideal way to have someone know that the world inside my head is so much more than they see. That when my expression changes its because I have not only observed what has gone on in front of me and what is being said but also whole scenes and thought processes.
God he kills me. it kills me. in the best possible, heartbreaking, head-over-heels love type of way... it kills me.
and it kills me because we cant have anything, and in this case... im not sure what we will have in the end. and meanwhile i love what we do have.
11.19.2009
11.09.2009
i keep
i keep dreaming the same dream at the same time each night. awaking and looking at the clock to see that its 5am and it is all once again a dream.
and while i like that each time the dream ends with his arms embracing me, i hate that each time it replays i feel all the emotions before that embrace, including the disappointment and fear.
and while i like that each time the dream ends with his arms embracing me, i hate that each time it replays i feel all the emotions before that embrace, including the disappointment and fear.
11.05.2009
10.15.2009
i think i want to move
not because i am done with this city. but because its easier to know what you are fighting against and to be strong when you know you have to be. when you move to a new city or have a new adventure, you can feel the odds stacked against you. knowing the people think you are being brave makes you feel brave (even if you downplay it). moving and uphill battles allow you to ignore the relationships you don't know how to start or move forward or heal. the constant fighting allows you to overlook the small pains
it is when you let down your defenses and feel like you are at home or stop fighting that you can hurt deeper and ache purer. if that can even happen.
i'm struggling. not the type of struggling that means i wont make it or the type that i feel is worth panic or encouragement. its the type that makes me wish i could cry in front of someone and let them hug me. yes, let. its actually awkwardly about me letting people.
here is deal. october sucks. it has sucked for the last five years. its been the month of heartache, emotional crisis, broken birthdays and anniversaries, death, and loneliness. its funny you would think those emotions would align with major holidays or something. but for me, they align with october.
so october, today you are half way over. you have done half of your damage for the year, and you have proven once again that you can make me ache. but i think im done taking it lying down. and if it means growing in a new way, in a way that isnt forced by a need to be strong or survive, i am ready. raw but ready.
it is when you let down your defenses and feel like you are at home or stop fighting that you can hurt deeper and ache purer. if that can even happen.
i'm struggling. not the type of struggling that means i wont make it or the type that i feel is worth panic or encouragement. its the type that makes me wish i could cry in front of someone and let them hug me. yes, let. its actually awkwardly about me letting people.
here is deal. october sucks. it has sucked for the last five years. its been the month of heartache, emotional crisis, broken birthdays and anniversaries, death, and loneliness. its funny you would think those emotions would align with major holidays or something. but for me, they align with october.
so october, today you are half way over. you have done half of your damage for the year, and you have proven once again that you can make me ache. but i think im done taking it lying down. and if it means growing in a new way, in a way that isnt forced by a need to be strong or survive, i am ready. raw but ready.
9.06.2009
"i dont ever want to hurt you."
he suddenly became lost in his thoughts.... "i dont ever want to hurt you in any way. never, and i never say never. but you are kitty kat, and mean too much to me. even if somehow we went our opposite ways and you hurt me deeply, i dont think i could ever want you hurt."
he turned. i smiled, "good, i dont ever want you to hurt me."
i offered a quick peck, trying to make sure he didnt see that he had already hurt me on some level without trying.
he suddenly became lost in his thoughts.... "i dont ever want to hurt you in any way. never, and i never say never. but you are kitty kat, and mean too much to me. even if somehow we went our opposite ways and you hurt me deeply, i dont think i could ever want you hurt."
he turned. i smiled, "good, i dont ever want you to hurt me."
i offered a quick peck, trying to make sure he didnt see that he had already hurt me on some level without trying.
9.02.2009
because it needs to come out!
so after the course of a somewhat normal night - (except for the fact that A didn’t get any sleep the night before and was obviously exhausted and talked about it) we are walking to my car
of course under the assumption that im giving him a ride home and such
we get to the car door and he is following me - and mentions something about biting my ass (which was a topic earlier) and pulls down the top of my jeans to do such
i kind of squeal and turn around and hug him - basically saying that he has the green light on the front
so we are standing outside my car at penn circle putting my stuff in and he is nibbling my ass, licking my spine, kissing my ear... the whole nine yards... basically two sided spoon grabbing, rubbing, grinding and goodness.
its 3:45 am and people keep walking by conveniently timed when im making one noise or another (generally giggles and squeals)
then crazy homeless drunk man comes up and starts talking to A – who whispers in my ear "can the two of us never get a break together?"
and man, with a southern drunk accent is making all sorts of comments about how he knows what A is going to be eating, Alabama, and how I’m his juicy fruit…. A handles it will of grace and humor meanwhile still trying to nibble on my neck and ear while pulling my ass into him.
so A handles it fairly gracefully and with humor but after that we get into the car... and im in internal battle because he has me all worked up (i can feel his excitement but i know he needs needs needs his sleep). so we start talking about my interview and i drive him home.
around the corner from his house he says something about getting out of the car quick because he feels like he could get to sleep quickly. i agree with him and then pull up to his place, where he proceeds to lean into me, we kiss and caress.
and have this conversation where he says we could never just spoon. and i say that i wish he wasn’t so exhausted because I would be taking him home with me. he accuses me of just being polite by saying that. I ensure him that actually I have the feeling quite often that I feel bad because he needs to get sleep and that I do really want him in my bed.
feel bad because he needs to get sleep and that I do really want him in my bed.
he gets into the backseat to get his bag and leans over for two more kisses.
walks around to my car window and waits for me to roll it down for two more kisses. and then I drive home frazzled as fuck.
get home and text him (per his request even though we both know his phone is dead) - "so many things I feel like sending your direction. most importantly sleep and that I do wish that you were currently tangled up with me in bed."
And no response.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
So close.
So far.
So….
of course under the assumption that im giving him a ride home and such
we get to the car door and he is following me - and mentions something about biting my ass (which was a topic earlier) and pulls down the top of my jeans to do such
i kind of squeal and turn around and hug him - basically saying that he has the green light on the front
so we are standing outside my car at penn circle putting my stuff in and he is nibbling my ass, licking my spine, kissing my ear... the whole nine yards... basically two sided spoon grabbing, rubbing, grinding and goodness.
its 3:45 am and people keep walking by conveniently timed when im making one noise or another (generally giggles and squeals)
then crazy homeless drunk man comes up and starts talking to A – who whispers in my ear "can the two of us never get a break together?"
and man, with a southern drunk accent is making all sorts of comments about how he knows what A is going to be eating, Alabama, and how I’m his juicy fruit…. A handles it will of grace and humor meanwhile still trying to nibble on my neck and ear while pulling my ass into him.
so A handles it fairly gracefully and with humor but after that we get into the car... and im in internal battle because he has me all worked up (i can feel his excitement but i know he needs needs needs his sleep). so we start talking about my interview and i drive him home.
around the corner from his house he says something about getting out of the car quick because he feels like he could get to sleep quickly. i agree with him and then pull up to his place, where he proceeds to lean into me, we kiss and caress.
and have this conversation where he says we could never just spoon. and i say that i wish he wasn’t so exhausted because I would be taking him home with me. he accuses me of just being polite by saying that. I ensure him that actually I have the feeling quite often that I feel bad because he needs to get sleep and that I do really want him in my bed.
feel bad because he needs to get sleep and that I do really want him in my bed.
he gets into the backseat to get his bag and leans over for two more kisses.
walks around to my car window and waits for me to roll it down for two more kisses. and then I drive home frazzled as fuck.
get home and text him (per his request even though we both know his phone is dead) - "so many things I feel like sending your direction. most importantly sleep and that I do wish that you were currently tangled up with me in bed."
And no response.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
So close.
So far.
So….
8.16.2009
maya angelou's "in and out of time"
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.
---------
it struck a chord.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.
---------
it struck a chord.
8.11.2009
just for the record - things to note
- i think i might actually like running. not alone or for speed. but it makes me feel like i am in control of something and have actually accomplished something in the day...even if it is just a 30 minute jog when your knee is killing you.
- i like margaritas without salt or sugar on the rim. call me what you will but i dont like either and i like my margaritas naked.
- saturday i spent the day mostly detached from technology. i suggest at least one day a month doing such. i hope to have one day without all tech communication methods by the end of the month.
- i made a list this weekend of elements of myself that i am working on embracing, understanding and growing. some were simple, like my attraction to certain colors while others were deeper like how i view people around me.
- i am tired of looking for a new housemate. more than that im tired of showing people my house. it is an awkward process of opening your life to people and saying "here is my hideaway, please come in to see if you will be part of it."
- i miss my relationship with certain family members.
- i live in a community where 97% of people have grown up together and know each other from years of interaction. and im realizing that i dont think that community exists anywhere for me. and more importantly i might not want to be a part of it, if it did.
- i hate the noise my ice cream truck makes. sirens should be reserved for emergencies. its siren reminds me of old bomb sirens.
- i will be returning to Portland for a mini-vacation in 8 days. i am not ready. i am worried that i will come back more stressed and sleepless than i am now.
- i am looking forward to going home in more ways than i know how to express.
- i believe i will start updating my blog via my iphone... i don't know why i havent before, but i think i will.
- im more at peace now with myself than i have ever been. not content mind you, but at peace.
- i often feel that i am better at expressing my love through writing than any other form.
- i have come to grips with being cheesy. if you dont like it - tough luck... its just me.
- there is always more to say.... but never enough time to say it.
8.08.2009
we identify with what we want to..... but maybe this is closer to home than i thought.
When Kat was born, the Sun was in the Sign Pisces, the Visionary or the Mystic. Kat 's basic sanity and vitality depend upon her frequent and regular immersion in experiences that help her connect to herself as something vaster, more mysterious and far less definable than merely her ego, body or personality. Kat needs to explore states that involve her formlessness and boundarylessness. To dissolve the narrow definitions of the self into something larger. In short, Kat requires a steady diet of altered-state experiences to nourish the Mystic and the Visionary at the core of her her need and capacity to experience other worlds, inner, meditative or creative, as just as real and compelling as the outer world. These experiences should be consciously chosen, calming, and heighten Kat 's awareness--not dull it with escapist or addictive behavior. Kat 's nature is sensitive, compassionate, dreamy, and intuitive, full of mystical or psychic sensibilities. An atheistic, skeptical, totally linear and uncompromisingly pragmatic attitude and lifestyle would be poisonous to her. For a relationship to blossom, committed love must deepen Kat 's sense of the indescribable Mystery of life, not reduce it. In intimacy, Kat 's tendency towards sappiness may present some problems, but they're insurmountable only in two cases: if Kat has chosen to numb her sensitivity with addictions, or if she has chosen a rigid, judgmental and defensive realist as a mate. Kat 's constant, if unspoken, search for Spirit at the core of everything may seem unworkably Quixotic at times, yet that same search can recognize and honor the soul of her mate and add immeasurably to the enchantment of the relationship.
7.31.2009
so much more to say - but this is all i can put words to
the bar - his affection and attention. we laugh, talk, hold hands, always touching at two points or more, telling stories of our family. the connection strengthened and highlighted and perhaps of equal weight, displayed for others to see.
the park - spreading his towel on the bench to cover the mist, mist covering the resivour that lay in front of us, him standing behind me, his hands caressing my thighs, massaging my scalp, playing with my hair, running his fingers across my face and neck, painting every curve of my body but never intruding or overstepping the bounds, listening and engaging my every thought, pulling us closer together, whispering in my ear as i pull his arms down and kiss his forearm, eventually he is kneeling in front of me rubbing my legs as i hold his head between my hands.
the park - spreading his towel on the bench to cover the mist, mist covering the resivour that lay in front of us, him standing behind me, his hands caressing my thighs, massaging my scalp, playing with my hair, running his fingers across my face and neck, painting every curve of my body but never intruding or overstepping the bounds, listening and engaging my every thought, pulling us closer together, whispering in my ear as i pull his arms down and kiss his forearm, eventually he is kneeling in front of me rubbing my legs as i hold his head between my hands.
7.29.2009
the risk...
"you have the most amazing pinky. i just noticed that. i love pinkys and yours is perfect."
as we examine our hands fingers entangled. he complains about his own hands - and i interrupt him to tell him, "i love your hands. they were actually the first thing i noticed about you when we met. please dont wish for any other hands."
---------
we sit across the table from one another smiling. a table he has set up and cleared space for in the back office for our "breaking of bread." its take out middle eastern food that he asked me to pick up so he would be able to treat me. its actually way beyond dinner time as the clock strikes midnight, but it is the first chance for our schedules to align for more than a few moments. our light hearted conversations eventually becomes serious, as he asks if what i left in Boston and why the emotion in my eyes looks so vivid. caught off guard i explain the elements of the trip that i was internally begging to express to someone, and feel the weight lifted. he listens actively and then comments on the way he can see the emotion in my eyes. more importantly that it adds a new dimension of beauty and he is glad he has experienced it.
--------
"why do you have such a hard time being pampered? Sit down and enjoy it."
as we examine our hands fingers entangled. he complains about his own hands - and i interrupt him to tell him, "i love your hands. they were actually the first thing i noticed about you when we met. please dont wish for any other hands."
---------
we sit across the table from one another smiling. a table he has set up and cleared space for in the back office for our "breaking of bread." its take out middle eastern food that he asked me to pick up so he would be able to treat me. its actually way beyond dinner time as the clock strikes midnight, but it is the first chance for our schedules to align for more than a few moments. our light hearted conversations eventually becomes serious, as he asks if what i left in Boston and why the emotion in my eyes looks so vivid. caught off guard i explain the elements of the trip that i was internally begging to express to someone, and feel the weight lifted. he listens actively and then comments on the way he can see the emotion in my eyes. more importantly that it adds a new dimension of beauty and he is glad he has experienced it.
--------
"why do you have such a hard time being pampered? Sit down and enjoy it."
7.19.2009
random bits to unload so that perhaps i can stop thinking of them...
as i stopped by to drop off his dvd on the way to meet another friend for couple drinks before calling it an early night, we had the following exchange in front of one of his coworkers and a growing friend, while his arm was around my shoulder.
me: thanks for letting me borrow this. like i said on the phone it is good.
him: no problem. you sticking around tonight?
me: nope, just wanted to swing by and drop this off so you could return it on time before i head out.
him: were are you off to tonight? who are you meeting up with?
this coworker gives him a strange and surprised look
him: not like it is any of my business... but just curious.
me: with a slight chuckle im heading down to silky's or somewhere in that part of town for a couple drinks.
him: ah. silky's. he walked away
coworker: where is silky's? why did he react like that?
of course i later texted him to tell him that i in fact ended up at gooski's and going to the end of the polish hill festival than early to bed. his response.... i fuckin love gooski's.
--------------------------
for the past week he has been continually telling me that he doesn't take me for granted. and that no matter what he wants me to know that he appreciates everything that i do and who i am in his life. and that even "in his ignorant moments" he doesnt take me for granted. im not sure why there is such a drive as of late to make sure i know this. makes me wonder what is going on in his head.
--------------------------
this weekend there were three moments that stuck with me involving him and his close friends making sure that i knew certain things.
1). standing outside the bar while i was checking ids and talking with his close friend and my close friend about marrying for nontraditional motivations (health care, immigration, etc). my friend said that she would most likely sleep with someone if she was married to them for three years for their immigration even if she wasn't interested because they were married after all. his friend chimes in passionately that he knows people who haven't slept with someone but have been married for three year so that they can be a citizen. this of course was a direct reference to him and his situation. it was quite hilarious that his friend kept making a point for me to know that they had not slept together. and perhaps more than anything interesting.
2). at the end of the night with the temps up and running around he had taken off his tshirt (which btw was one that i bought for him and that he wears nearly weekly which of course being a girly girl makes me feel happy) and was running around in a wife beater. his coworker/friend more than once highlighted the level of curl in his chest hair and joked about him needing relaxer for it...and then made a point of saying to him and i, "its a good thing you arent getting laid right now man." interesting to have noted again.
3). as we all sat downstairs in the basement of the lounge smoking - his two best friends began their usual routine. it became the two of them highlighting something about his behavior or background that they think is funny and i should know. the full session of blast while i just sat back and tried to contain my laughter while watching the three of them interact. that night's topic of conversation - "his tendency to speak in riddles." couldnt have said it better myself.
as i write these i realize they are only things that an over thinking chick like myself would even track or remember this craziness.... i feel like im trying to build a case constantly. and more so, i feel like this idea of not having a relationship strictly based on physical interaction is something i am still getting the hang of.
me: thanks for letting me borrow this. like i said on the phone it is good.
him: no problem. you sticking around tonight?
me: nope, just wanted to swing by and drop this off so you could return it on time before i head out.
him: were are you off to tonight? who are you meeting up with?
this coworker gives him a strange and surprised look
him: not like it is any of my business... but just curious.
me: with a slight chuckle im heading down to silky's or somewhere in that part of town for a couple drinks.
him: ah. silky's. he walked away
coworker: where is silky's? why did he react like that?
of course i later texted him to tell him that i in fact ended up at gooski's and going to the end of the polish hill festival than early to bed. his response.... i fuckin love gooski's.
--------------------------
for the past week he has been continually telling me that he doesn't take me for granted. and that no matter what he wants me to know that he appreciates everything that i do and who i am in his life. and that even "in his ignorant moments" he doesnt take me for granted. im not sure why there is such a drive as of late to make sure i know this. makes me wonder what is going on in his head.
--------------------------
this weekend there were three moments that stuck with me involving him and his close friends making sure that i knew certain things.
1). standing outside the bar while i was checking ids and talking with his close friend and my close friend about marrying for nontraditional motivations (health care, immigration, etc). my friend said that she would most likely sleep with someone if she was married to them for three years for their immigration even if she wasn't interested because they were married after all. his friend chimes in passionately that he knows people who haven't slept with someone but have been married for three year so that they can be a citizen. this of course was a direct reference to him and his situation. it was quite hilarious that his friend kept making a point for me to know that they had not slept together. and perhaps more than anything interesting.
2). at the end of the night with the temps up and running around he had taken off his tshirt (which btw was one that i bought for him and that he wears nearly weekly which of course being a girly girl makes me feel happy) and was running around in a wife beater. his coworker/friend more than once highlighted the level of curl in his chest hair and joked about him needing relaxer for it...and then made a point of saying to him and i, "its a good thing you arent getting laid right now man." interesting to have noted again.
3). as we all sat downstairs in the basement of the lounge smoking - his two best friends began their usual routine. it became the two of them highlighting something about his behavior or background that they think is funny and i should know. the full session of blast while i just sat back and tried to contain my laughter while watching the three of them interact. that night's topic of conversation - "his tendency to speak in riddles." couldnt have said it better myself.
as i write these i realize they are only things that an over thinking chick like myself would even track or remember this craziness.... i feel like im trying to build a case constantly. and more so, i feel like this idea of not having a relationship strictly based on physical interaction is something i am still getting the hang of.
five love languages
a day or so ago i had posted the question on my facebook status asking those who pay attention to such things, what is the best way to say i love you?
the only response that caught my fleeting attention span for more than a the few seconds it took to read it was something from my mother. (yes, my mother is on facebook and constantly constantly replied to whatever is up there).
she highlighted that to know the best way to tell someone that you love them is to know their "love language." yes this is a great pop psychology term that came about in the early 1990s by a baptist pastor and author (The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman), but if nothing else it has provided a way for a mass of people to digest the idea of showing love and hopefully be more successful at expressing their affection for people around them.
anyhow - the languages of love actually break down into five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. it is argued that as individuals we each appreciate and can understand all of these languages, but that one speaks much louder or holds more weight for us.
so i broke this down to see where i feel like i fall and kept coming up primarily in one category - physical touch. for those that know me well this is not a surprise, i suppose. perhaps in contrast (actually maybe in support) to that, i am extremely reserved about touching people until we break a certain thresh hold and often am seeking out touch while holding my own back.
the percentage break down of the all languages are as follows (from a brief test that i found based on his work - far from science - closer to cosmo).
20% Words of Affirmation
20% Quality Time
10% Receiving Gifts
17% Acts of Service
33% Physical Touch
i suppose there is nothing overall surprising about these scores. for people who have spent a significant amount of time with me this im sure is overly simple. it is commonly know that while i do enjoy a heartfelt gift from time to time, that a heartfelt card, afternoon of qt or even a hug can hold much more weight.
so, the next question that i have after the quick dip into my self-assessment is do i communicate with those around me in the best language of love for them? or is it mostly a selfish to how i feel most comfortable expressing my affection and commitment?
i suppose the best way to solve this is with variety. but it makes me wonder, what is your love language? should i be making a mental note of what everyone's appears to be to be a better player in relationships?
the only response that caught my fleeting attention span for more than a the few seconds it took to read it was something from my mother. (yes, my mother is on facebook and constantly constantly replied to whatever is up there).
she highlighted that to know the best way to tell someone that you love them is to know their "love language." yes this is a great pop psychology term that came about in the early 1990s by a baptist pastor and author (The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman), but if nothing else it has provided a way for a mass of people to digest the idea of showing love and hopefully be more successful at expressing their affection for people around them.
anyhow - the languages of love actually break down into five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. it is argued that as individuals we each appreciate and can understand all of these languages, but that one speaks much louder or holds more weight for us.
so i broke this down to see where i feel like i fall and kept coming up primarily in one category - physical touch. for those that know me well this is not a surprise, i suppose. perhaps in contrast (actually maybe in support) to that, i am extremely reserved about touching people until we break a certain thresh hold and often am seeking out touch while holding my own back.
the percentage break down of the all languages are as follows (from a brief test that i found based on his work - far from science - closer to cosmo).
20% Words of Affirmation
20% Quality Time
10% Receiving Gifts
17% Acts of Service
33% Physical Touch
i suppose there is nothing overall surprising about these scores. for people who have spent a significant amount of time with me this im sure is overly simple. it is commonly know that while i do enjoy a heartfelt gift from time to time, that a heartfelt card, afternoon of qt or even a hug can hold much more weight.
so, the next question that i have after the quick dip into my self-assessment is do i communicate with those around me in the best language of love for them? or is it mostly a selfish to how i feel most comfortable expressing my affection and commitment?
i suppose the best way to solve this is with variety. but it makes me wonder, what is your love language? should i be making a mental note of what everyone's appears to be to be a better player in relationships?
7.11.2009
plan...
productivity until at least tuesday night or wednesday.
no going out. no drinking. no shadow.
instead - upstairs bathroom repainted. applying for jobs. beginning roommate search. continued running every other day. shakes for breakfast. eating in. and working on everything on my plate.
do-able? de-sirable?
no going out. no drinking. no shadow.
instead - upstairs bathroom repainted. applying for jobs. beginning roommate search. continued running every other day. shakes for breakfast. eating in. and working on everything on my plate.
do-able? de-sirable?
7.10.2009
the last 15 hours
i jokingly refer to our relationship with others as the "junior high relationship" simply because the physical level our relationship tends to verge on the physicality of my relationships in high school.
but the reality of the physical intimacy is beyond my junior high days or even early high school days. there isnt that fumbling or awkwardness. but rather the freshness and importance of the smaller demonstrations of physical comfort.
---------
less than a week ago he came up behind me in an empty room and nibbled at my neck. if i close my eyes slightly and allow myself i can still feel the combination of sensations, from his facial hair, to the moistness of his lips to the light force of his teeth. every time i begin to think about it i remember the erykah badu song "i want somebody to walk up behind me and breath on my neck, just breath on my neck..." i know its quite cheesy, but its true. now since his discovery of the auto reaction and sensitivity i have on my neck, he takes full advantage of it. mind you im not complaining, at this rate i dont even care if people see the light red marks left behind or if i cant help but grab him tightly and pull him closer, as my body reacts with chills and goose bumps.
----------
last night was i drove him home from work and we shared our habitual hour or two alone in the car, recapping our days and attacking the larger issues and dynamics of life, he suggested that i take the long way home (a way ive never taken in that direction but rather only in return). as we dropped down the twisty hill he began to kiss my hand on every angle. silence fell over the car as i tried to maintain the focus needed to drive and keep us on the road.
----------
we sat there outside his house discussing music and falling silent again for a moment of energy and unspoken interaction. i found my head resting perfectly on his shoulder with my hand placed over his heart. in that moment i realized that i have recently been unable to find that level of comfort, security, and calm in any other person. i let my eyes drift shut, and squeezed out those thoughts from the warmth of my hand on his chest. he simply responded, "i know."
-----------
in our conversation i jest about my nerdy nature and he pulls me closely and said whispers loudly in my ear "no, brilliant. gorgeous. brilliant." a smile creeps across my face, and he pulls me even closer so that his lips are just resting on my ear and begins to whisper words at such a low level that i cant make out the individual words, but feel their impact. as we un-entangle, he states, "i know you may not have heard any of that or all of it, but i think a part of you understands it." i simply open smile enough to say, "thank you" as he opens the car door. because i couldn't tell you what he whispered, but i can tell you that it felt like something in my core finally had the ability to exhale in release, and that a calm so varied from the internal stress and anxiety i was holding, took control of my body.
-----------
as i climbed into bed, i began to draft a text message to express my gratitude. midmessage he called and spent the following five minutes telling me that he wants to make sure that i know how important i am and how he is thankful for everything i bring into his life and finally that he needed to make sure that i knew he was grateful for me and doesnt take me for granted. i was stunned into silence.
-----------
i realize that i give our relationship a discredit by referring to it as a junior high relationship. the reality is that this relationship though not focused on the physicality of two individuals attracted to one another, has more actual emotional, spiritual and mental intimacy than i have ever experienced in a relationship.
but the reality of the physical intimacy is beyond my junior high days or even early high school days. there isnt that fumbling or awkwardness. but rather the freshness and importance of the smaller demonstrations of physical comfort.
---------
less than a week ago he came up behind me in an empty room and nibbled at my neck. if i close my eyes slightly and allow myself i can still feel the combination of sensations, from his facial hair, to the moistness of his lips to the light force of his teeth. every time i begin to think about it i remember the erykah badu song "i want somebody to walk up behind me and breath on my neck, just breath on my neck..." i know its quite cheesy, but its true. now since his discovery of the auto reaction and sensitivity i have on my neck, he takes full advantage of it. mind you im not complaining, at this rate i dont even care if people see the light red marks left behind or if i cant help but grab him tightly and pull him closer, as my body reacts with chills and goose bumps.
----------
last night was i drove him home from work and we shared our habitual hour or two alone in the car, recapping our days and attacking the larger issues and dynamics of life, he suggested that i take the long way home (a way ive never taken in that direction but rather only in return). as we dropped down the twisty hill he began to kiss my hand on every angle. silence fell over the car as i tried to maintain the focus needed to drive and keep us on the road.
----------
we sat there outside his house discussing music and falling silent again for a moment of energy and unspoken interaction. i found my head resting perfectly on his shoulder with my hand placed over his heart. in that moment i realized that i have recently been unable to find that level of comfort, security, and calm in any other person. i let my eyes drift shut, and squeezed out those thoughts from the warmth of my hand on his chest. he simply responded, "i know."
-----------
in our conversation i jest about my nerdy nature and he pulls me closely and said whispers loudly in my ear "no, brilliant. gorgeous. brilliant." a smile creeps across my face, and he pulls me even closer so that his lips are just resting on my ear and begins to whisper words at such a low level that i cant make out the individual words, but feel their impact. as we un-entangle, he states, "i know you may not have heard any of that or all of it, but i think a part of you understands it." i simply open smile enough to say, "thank you" as he opens the car door. because i couldn't tell you what he whispered, but i can tell you that it felt like something in my core finally had the ability to exhale in release, and that a calm so varied from the internal stress and anxiety i was holding, took control of my body.
-----------
as i climbed into bed, i began to draft a text message to express my gratitude. midmessage he called and spent the following five minutes telling me that he wants to make sure that i know how important i am and how he is thankful for everything i bring into his life and finally that he needed to make sure that i knew he was grateful for me and doesnt take me for granted. i was stunned into silence.
-----------
i realize that i give our relationship a discredit by referring to it as a junior high relationship. the reality is that this relationship though not focused on the physicality of two individuals attracted to one another, has more actual emotional, spiritual and mental intimacy than i have ever experienced in a relationship.
6.22.2009
brief outlined interaction
standing in the kitchen dancing to fela in my lu'ua getup and apron, working on assembling kabobs for the grill with my back to the door. listening as a friends unload into the house and complete final prep in the yard. his voice whispers unexpectedly in my ear as he kisses the back of my neck, "you look scrumptious."
my heart rate quickens as i blush and my face lights up. "hey you," i squeeze out, as a whisper when he kisses the back of my neck again.
he hugs me from behind as i apologize for having my fingers covered in sauce. we have a quick conversation, where i ask if you will come back, thank you for the video, and ask a small favor...and you express your desire to be there, frustration with work, and that you will take care of it.
our whole exchange lasts for maybe 5 minutes... but that type of exchange is something i could get used to.
cheesy, huh?
my heart rate quickens as i blush and my face lights up. "hey you," i squeeze out, as a whisper when he kisses the back of my neck again.
he hugs me from behind as i apologize for having my fingers covered in sauce. we have a quick conversation, where i ask if you will come back, thank you for the video, and ask a small favor...and you express your desire to be there, frustration with work, and that you will take care of it.
our whole exchange lasts for maybe 5 minutes... but that type of exchange is something i could get used to.
cheesy, huh?
its been a hot minute
yeah, i has been quite a bit of time since ive written here. for some reason my writing as of late has taken a strictly paper format. ive even started a new journal (generally this marks a symbolic turning point in my life).
lately i guess the idea of writing for what every audience beyond myself (i'm not sure who is really reading this anymore) has seemed overwhelming and nearly enough to silence my key clicks.
it isnt that there hasnt been great moments that i replay in my mind. in fact, in the last month there have been significant conversations, romantic moments, plenty of self reflection, amazing visitors and experiences (thanks hulin, prescott, and sanchez), laughter with friends new and old, sports moments, large life changes (unemployment and consulting) and you know.... the rest of life.
so i suppose by putting that out there - though it is far from details or meaningful to others... i want to mark this entry as a restart, or a return from the off season of blogging.
life hasnt become more challenging really, but it has forced for more self reflection, and i feel like this might be one of the proper venues for such.
lately i guess the idea of writing for what every audience beyond myself (i'm not sure who is really reading this anymore) has seemed overwhelming and nearly enough to silence my key clicks.
it isnt that there hasnt been great moments that i replay in my mind. in fact, in the last month there have been significant conversations, romantic moments, plenty of self reflection, amazing visitors and experiences (thanks hulin, prescott, and sanchez), laughter with friends new and old, sports moments, large life changes (unemployment and consulting) and you know.... the rest of life.
so i suppose by putting that out there - though it is far from details or meaningful to others... i want to mark this entry as a restart, or a return from the off season of blogging.
life hasnt become more challenging really, but it has forced for more self reflection, and i feel like this might be one of the proper venues for such.
4.26.2009
as we sat there in my car outside your place, i promised myself i would etch the moments into my memory, sketch the details into my dreams and archive the thoughts in my brain.
that night your hand which had over the last six months slid beneath my thighs as i drove, had now progressed its way between my legs to hold my thigh and back of my knee in the palm of your hand.
you held my hands in yours, playing with my fingernails, spending extra time on my pinky nails, like you always do. our fingers dance between each others, and i slowly pull one hand away to caress the back of your neck. my fingers start at your hairline and you let your head fall backwards so my hand moves up your head.
we keep talking even though the sky is becoming lighter and the birds have begun to sing. i am at the point that i turn off my car engine because i know we won't be wrapping up our conversation soon.
we keep talking, saying that we are parting ways, but the reality is you dont leave the car and i have taken off my seatbelt so that i can turn to face you. our conversations rang from the funny to serious but never does the intensity change.
i point out that you act like you have control and know whats going on, it is after all your aries nature. i politely remind you that mine is to continually question and search for understanding.
your lips find their ways to my ear, and simply rest there as we both fall silent. as you press them slowly i am sure you can feel my grin as my hand tighten on your knee. i close my eyes and try to keep my moans inside. as you pull away after what seems like hours i take a deep breath in and slowly open my eyes.
i try to find ways to tell you how important you are, and you try to find ways to take care of me. most of the ways, i tell you that you don't need to do that, and that i do what i do because i care. you remind me that you don't do any of this because you feel like you need to, but because you want to.
you kiss my cheek. i kiss yours. you kiss my other cheek. i wonder if you can see my smile and the blush under my skin. you lean in to kiss my lips. we kiss quickly and linger to kiss again. i wonder if you can hear my insides screaming to tell you not to go and that i care more than i verbalize.
you finally say goodbye and go to climb out the car. promising that you are going to guide me through the construction on my drive home. stopping by my window to talk again.
two blocks away you call... we talk the whole way home until i crawl into bed and put my head on my pillow. meanwhile you have been preparing for bed and wrapping up your day.
we say awkward goodbyes.... sweet dreams...later...goodnight... later... until next time... sweet dreams...
that night your hand which had over the last six months slid beneath my thighs as i drove, had now progressed its way between my legs to hold my thigh and back of my knee in the palm of your hand.
you held my hands in yours, playing with my fingernails, spending extra time on my pinky nails, like you always do. our fingers dance between each others, and i slowly pull one hand away to caress the back of your neck. my fingers start at your hairline and you let your head fall backwards so my hand moves up your head.
we keep talking even though the sky is becoming lighter and the birds have begun to sing. i am at the point that i turn off my car engine because i know we won't be wrapping up our conversation soon.
we keep talking, saying that we are parting ways, but the reality is you dont leave the car and i have taken off my seatbelt so that i can turn to face you. our conversations rang from the funny to serious but never does the intensity change.
i point out that you act like you have control and know whats going on, it is after all your aries nature. i politely remind you that mine is to continually question and search for understanding.
your lips find their ways to my ear, and simply rest there as we both fall silent. as you press them slowly i am sure you can feel my grin as my hand tighten on your knee. i close my eyes and try to keep my moans inside. as you pull away after what seems like hours i take a deep breath in and slowly open my eyes.
i try to find ways to tell you how important you are, and you try to find ways to take care of me. most of the ways, i tell you that you don't need to do that, and that i do what i do because i care. you remind me that you don't do any of this because you feel like you need to, but because you want to.
you kiss my cheek. i kiss yours. you kiss my other cheek. i wonder if you can see my smile and the blush under my skin. you lean in to kiss my lips. we kiss quickly and linger to kiss again. i wonder if you can hear my insides screaming to tell you not to go and that i care more than i verbalize.
you finally say goodbye and go to climb out the car. promising that you are going to guide me through the construction on my drive home. stopping by my window to talk again.
two blocks away you call... we talk the whole way home until i crawl into bed and put my head on my pillow. meanwhile you have been preparing for bed and wrapping up your day.
we say awkward goodbyes.... sweet dreams...later...goodnight... later... until next time... sweet dreams...
4.22.2009
do you believe movie scenes?
"we could say tonight, but my meeting might run long, and i dont want to get my hopes up on seeing you."
why does he have every movie line?
why is there generally a soundtrack to our interactions?
does the idealistic/movie-like nature of our interactions make them any less real, heartfelt, or honest?
nearly a week ago...
as i watched him clean the bar and helped in the little ways i could.
"you are my sage, my comforting sage...kat, you are the second person most important person after him,"motioning to wear his cousin was just sitting, "with in geographical region that i would be there for everything. that i would want to be around always, even in your worst moments of crazy or acting like an ass. i have so much love you for you. i love you, with a capital L."
as we sat in my car embracing each other in our five minute hug before i drove off.
"one day will you write it down? will you write down and share with me everything you are thinking and communicating when you breath deeply in our hugs? you already know what im thinking, one day will you share with me what you are?"
all i could say was "yes." what my eyes were begging to say was that when i match my breathing to his and fall silent its in the hope that my soul can press upon his and eventually that the shape of my soul and its care for his will become etched in the surface of his. and all i wanted to say in that last deep breath, was that "i love you, too."
why does he have every movie line?
why is there generally a soundtrack to our interactions?
does the idealistic/movie-like nature of our interactions make them any less real, heartfelt, or honest?
nearly a week ago...
as i watched him clean the bar and helped in the little ways i could.
"you are my sage, my comforting sage...kat, you are the second person most important person after him,"motioning to wear his cousin was just sitting, "with in geographical region that i would be there for everything. that i would want to be around always, even in your worst moments of crazy or acting like an ass. i have so much love you for you. i love you, with a capital L."
as we sat in my car embracing each other in our five minute hug before i drove off.
"one day will you write it down? will you write down and share with me everything you are thinking and communicating when you breath deeply in our hugs? you already know what im thinking, one day will you share with me what you are?"
all i could say was "yes." what my eyes were begging to say was that when i match my breathing to his and fall silent its in the hope that my soul can press upon his and eventually that the shape of my soul and its care for his will become etched in the surface of his. and all i wanted to say in that last deep breath, was that "i love you, too."
4.13.2009
choices that change lives
while it could be argued that almost every decision we make changes our own life and thus in some way the lives of those around us. the butterfly effect if you will. but this decision, well it is actually a potential life choice that would possibly effect the lives of many individuals with their knowledge and without. and that is the reason that i am weighing it so heavily. do i have faith in myself, my ability to critically think, my gut instinct, my listening skills, and my determination to do this.
beyond the idea of failure, beyond the self satisfaction of success, beyond the energy sacrificed, i want to know that i will be serving the best that i can and that my decision will positively effect all of those individuals that it will touch.
this would be the person i believe i would be running against (i believe he will be the winner in the primary)
here is the current candidates for the primaries....
the deadline to enter as an independent (right now no one is an independent on the board or in my district, 3) is august. i need 100 signatures and some campaigning and well...
more... but really i need to determine if this is the right choice. the only hesitation that i have had from people came from my mom (she wants me home). every other individual has been extremely positive and supportive. personal downsides are of course four year commitment without pay and the weight of my choices. but in all honesty... if given the opportunity, i believe i could do it. i can do it and i would know how much i care.
beyond the idea of failure, beyond the self satisfaction of success, beyond the energy sacrificed, i want to know that i will be serving the best that i can and that my decision will positively effect all of those individuals that it will touch.
this would be the person i believe i would be running against (i believe he will be the winner in the primary)
here is the current candidates for the primaries....
the deadline to enter as an independent (right now no one is an independent on the board or in my district, 3) is august. i need 100 signatures and some campaigning and well...
more... but really i need to determine if this is the right choice. the only hesitation that i have had from people came from my mom (she wants me home). every other individual has been extremely positive and supportive. personal downsides are of course four year commitment without pay and the weight of my choices. but in all honesty... if given the opportunity, i believe i could do it. i can do it and i would know how much i care.
not enough time to say what i want to say
quotes from his side of our conversation -
how would kat handle this situation?
the sun sets in the west.
i believe i could handle your freak outs. that we could get through them together.
how are you doing with this spring fever?
it seems like you have been gone a long time. its good to have you back.
it tastes so good - i just want to taste the other cheek.
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."
--Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
how would kat handle this situation?
the sun sets in the west.
i believe i could handle your freak outs. that we could get through them together.
how are you doing with this spring fever?
it seems like you have been gone a long time. its good to have you back.
it tastes so good - i just want to taste the other cheek.
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."
--Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
4.09.2009
how would kat handle this situation?
the sun sets in the west.
i believe i could handle your freak outs. that we could get through them together.
how are you doing with this spring fever?
it seems like you have been gone a long time. its good to have you back.
it tastes so good - i just want to taste the other cheek.
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."
--Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
the sun sets in the west.
i believe i could handle your freak outs. that we could get through them together.
how are you doing with this spring fever?
it seems like you have been gone a long time. its good to have you back.
it tastes so good - i just want to taste the other cheek.
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."
--Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
4.01.2009
3.31.2009
hold my hand
because im trying to do this. and im worried it might take a little more strength than i have today.
3.29.2009
assume
its been a strange weekend of working long beyond my established hours and duties. ive spent hours on ladders, scrubbing floors, and navigating volunteers. it has also been a weekend of awkward sleep patterns, naps costumed as full REM cycles, repeating dreams and waking up with the sweats, and fly by the pants lifestyle. its been a weekend of doing what i feel like i should be doing and of being surprised that what im doing feels like i should be doing it.
it isnt over. at this point at least. there are hours of painting, cleaning, socializing, and living to be done.
my original intention when opening my blog was to write about the experiences of last night and the weekend social interactions that i haven't been able to wrap my mind around.
----
the third time he brought it up, i realized he actually meant it. but because i struggle with my own self assurance, i had to ask him if he really meant it. i poured not only a bit of time, but a good chunk of my soul out into that mix. it was the only tangible thing that he asked for on his birthday after all.
"i want you to make me another one. it was perfect and i want more. when most people make a mix it generally feels like they are addressing it to you, or that they are trying to do what they think you will like, or that its you to them. but yours was so much bigger, it was like it was me to the world."
-----
i tired to judge his relationships with everyone around me. i tried to see if i could know how they were looking at their interactions or connections with him. i of course tried to do this without anyone knowing. i doubt i am that sly. moreover, i have a good feeling that he can see through it all, if he wants to. i could have played the game, tired to flirt, or even highlight the celebration. instead i was me. and somehow in all of that i cant say that i was lacking. more than anything else, it was a reminder that he was paying a bit of attention.
-----
watching relationships develop, people ache and heal. somehow last night i was reminded that there is hope. a lot of hope. because it just takes one for now. still have to work on figuring out how to transfer that hope to my personal life and assurance.
-----
as i was getting ready to leave and make my slip out exit, he stopped me. offering another hug for the night, he said he was thinking of the same and that his crew just there waiting. anyhow - at that moment - he told me i should meet her. i say her, because i dont remember her name. more ironic i suppose is that she knew about me. she knew my birthday. she knew of me, and had heard of me. and even know i dont know her name. so the question is... who is she? and who is she to him?
it isnt over. at this point at least. there are hours of painting, cleaning, socializing, and living to be done.
my original intention when opening my blog was to write about the experiences of last night and the weekend social interactions that i haven't been able to wrap my mind around.
----
the third time he brought it up, i realized he actually meant it. but because i struggle with my own self assurance, i had to ask him if he really meant it. i poured not only a bit of time, but a good chunk of my soul out into that mix. it was the only tangible thing that he asked for on his birthday after all.
"i want you to make me another one. it was perfect and i want more. when most people make a mix it generally feels like they are addressing it to you, or that they are trying to do what they think you will like, or that its you to them. but yours was so much bigger, it was like it was me to the world."
-----
i tired to judge his relationships with everyone around me. i tried to see if i could know how they were looking at their interactions or connections with him. i of course tried to do this without anyone knowing. i doubt i am that sly. moreover, i have a good feeling that he can see through it all, if he wants to. i could have played the game, tired to flirt, or even highlight the celebration. instead i was me. and somehow in all of that i cant say that i was lacking. more than anything else, it was a reminder that he was paying a bit of attention.
-----
watching relationships develop, people ache and heal. somehow last night i was reminded that there is hope. a lot of hope. because it just takes one for now. still have to work on figuring out how to transfer that hope to my personal life and assurance.
-----
as i was getting ready to leave and make my slip out exit, he stopped me. offering another hug for the night, he said he was thinking of the same and that his crew just there waiting. anyhow - at that moment - he told me i should meet her. i say her, because i dont remember her name. more ironic i suppose is that she knew about me. she knew my birthday. she knew of me, and had heard of me. and even know i dont know her name. so the question is... who is she? and who is she to him?
3.26.2009
3.25.2009
3.22.2009
sunny afternoon thoughts
Please let me reiterate that I love his touch. Let me restate by saying that his fingers on my skin send sensations that cause inaudible moaning even when they are just finger-to-finger. And as his hand slides across my thigh and up and down my leg it takes all the strength that I have to keep the minimal amount of focus necessary to keep driving. He keeps touching. Even after I move my hand away to hold the wheel or use the turn signal, he keeps touching. Even after I have parked in front of his house, and we chat, his fingers dance along my palms.
I want to blurt out that if I would simply allow myself, I would be head over heels for you. But instead I let my eyes close as you brush our head into me to rest it on my chest. With your ear to my chest, can you hear my heart’s outcry through its beats? Can you hear it saying… seeing you can make any day brighten…when we hug I not only feel like I can breathe from head to toe but that you are breathing in sync with me…that each time you thank me for anything I do, I want to stop you by kissing your moving lips…that I’m scared to let you hear this all or to say it aloud. Just as I feel the need to blurt out it all, I take a deep breath and simply kiss your head right above your ear, hoping that somehow your soul has read mine and agreed.
I want to blurt out that if I would simply allow myself, I would be head over heels for you. But instead I let my eyes close as you brush our head into me to rest it on my chest. With your ear to my chest, can you hear my heart’s outcry through its beats? Can you hear it saying… seeing you can make any day brighten…when we hug I not only feel like I can breathe from head to toe but that you are breathing in sync with me…that each time you thank me for anything I do, I want to stop you by kissing your moving lips…that I’m scared to let you hear this all or to say it aloud. Just as I feel the need to blurt out it all, I take a deep breath and simply kiss your head right above your ear, hoping that somehow your soul has read mine and agreed.
3.21.2009
an aside.... which floods my memory as i crawl into bed
He compliments my back as we stand there in the empty bar and he unzips the dress just enough so I can get out of it myself when I get home. His hands slide across the skin of my shoulders and I take a deep breath in as I can feel his breath across my back. Even now as I sit in bed, I can feel the excitement radiate out of the spot on my back where he kissed me. I struggle to keep my eyes open and every time I close them the sensation of his lips, tongue, and teeth echo. My shoulders automatically move down and back pushing my chest out and a small moan sweeps from my lips while my epidermis of my cheeks redden slightly.
Twenty minutes earlier he was the one with is back fully exposed, as I snapped a photo of one of his tattoos. Tomorrow I am suppose to chat with his two tattoo artists about how he needs to get some work done on it, after I buy a t’shirt for him, check to see if they still have a pieces of art and get my new tattoo done. The funny thing is that I don’t mind doing those things for him and in fact feel a lil honored that he rests those things and contacts of his close friends in my hands.
As we embraced I kept thinking that this wasn’t the time to lose my self control. Not there in the lounge after hours with Kevin asleep on the couch. As our hands traced the outlines of our lives, spelled out down our spines, and across the hipbones, I paced my breathing with his. And as moved his shaved head across my skin, we began to morph together, changing shapes, pressing, shifting. Behind each of our hands was a firm passionate which occasionally broke from its caressing to tense and grab a hold. He squeezed pulling my body into his and my feet up out of my heels. I wanted to stay in that embrace for days and I suppose we did – because in it time was of no consequence, and its reality was simply pushed aside.
Twenty minutes earlier he was the one with is back fully exposed, as I snapped a photo of one of his tattoos. Tomorrow I am suppose to chat with his two tattoo artists about how he needs to get some work done on it, after I buy a t’shirt for him, check to see if they still have a pieces of art and get my new tattoo done. The funny thing is that I don’t mind doing those things for him and in fact feel a lil honored that he rests those things and contacts of his close friends in my hands.
As we embraced I kept thinking that this wasn’t the time to lose my self control. Not there in the lounge after hours with Kevin asleep on the couch. As our hands traced the outlines of our lives, spelled out down our spines, and across the hipbones, I paced my breathing with his. And as moved his shaved head across my skin, we began to morph together, changing shapes, pressing, shifting. Behind each of our hands was a firm passionate which occasionally broke from its caressing to tense and grab a hold. He squeezed pulling my body into his and my feet up out of my heels. I wanted to stay in that embrace for days and I suppose we did – because in it time was of no consequence, and its reality was simply pushed aside.
3.02.2009
looking back with the knowledge of today
last night i finished a journal. yes, i do still pick up a pen and book of paper to scribble out more thought than i share here. in fact, sometimes i will write every night for weeks, others simply when inspired. but as per tradition last night after i finished writing on the last page of the journal ive been using as my personal scroll for the last five months, i flipped to the very beginning to remind myself of where i was when i began.
i always find it interesting to reassess my thought process in hindsight. and though they say hindsight is 20/20, i would challenge that belief. we never really know how things would have changed if we changed our minds/actions - only assume that life would turn out a different way, because we don't know the effect of our changed action on the rest of the world. that may have been a bit convoluted, but i believe my point is discoverable in it.
more to say but work calls
i always find it interesting to reassess my thought process in hindsight. and though they say hindsight is 20/20, i would challenge that belief. we never really know how things would have changed if we changed our minds/actions - only assume that life would turn out a different way, because we don't know the effect of our changed action on the rest of the world. that may have been a bit convoluted, but i believe my point is discoverable in it.
more to say but work calls
2.25.2009
random bits on a lunch break
if you knew me, really knew me, you would know that i crave touch. but at the same time i am picking about the touch i receive.
------
as his fingers moved up my arm, he apologized for the length of his nails. i stepped closer. his hand moved from my arm to my spine, and he asked if i minded as he moved my shirt out of the way. we talked about our days briefly barely needing to fill in the reasoning for our reactions or emotions but understanding it all.
"not to say it because it needs to be said, but this right now is the best part of my whole day," he whispered as his lips were pressed against my ear. for a moment as his fingers moved across my back under my sweater, i let my face relax, my eyes close and the grin slide across my lips. "your face right now says it all." and then reality hit, as the next song came on as rockband continued. customers turned to ask for another drink, and his hand eventually trailed across my back to return to tending bar.
-----
if i was born 18 hours and 6 minutes later i would be Aries. until yesterday i never thought about how much i really am a cusp between Aries and Pisces. im still working on laying out my next tattoo to embrace that idea for my birthday. i should work a little harder on that.
-----
i dreamed of gardening last night. landscaping to be exact. tulips were blooming and we were fixing the grass, as the neighborhood was hanging huge pieces of red, orange, and yellow fabric was outdoor decor. the neighborhood was coming to life and burning with a passion that spoke in a sultry, sexy voice like a crackling fire pit.
------
as his fingers moved up my arm, he apologized for the length of his nails. i stepped closer. his hand moved from my arm to my spine, and he asked if i minded as he moved my shirt out of the way. we talked about our days briefly barely needing to fill in the reasoning for our reactions or emotions but understanding it all.
"not to say it because it needs to be said, but this right now is the best part of my whole day," he whispered as his lips were pressed against my ear. for a moment as his fingers moved across my back under my sweater, i let my face relax, my eyes close and the grin slide across my lips. "your face right now says it all." and then reality hit, as the next song came on as rockband continued. customers turned to ask for another drink, and his hand eventually trailed across my back to return to tending bar.
-----
if i was born 18 hours and 6 minutes later i would be Aries. until yesterday i never thought about how much i really am a cusp between Aries and Pisces. im still working on laying out my next tattoo to embrace that idea for my birthday. i should work a little harder on that.
-----
i dreamed of gardening last night. landscaping to be exact. tulips were blooming and we were fixing the grass, as the neighborhood was hanging huge pieces of red, orange, and yellow fabric was outdoor decor. the neighborhood was coming to life and burning with a passion that spoke in a sultry, sexy voice like a crackling fire pit.
2.24.2009
txt flirting
my failure.
or maybe my failure lies in the lack of ability to turn txting into physical action. or perhaps at this point im not even sure if it is failure. is it?
example the leaves me confused and awkward:
me: the dropping temps coupled w/ my urge to hibernate make me want to schedule that pj spooning party.
him: WILL YOU WEAR, VALORE
me: Is that a requirement? Im about soft touch but lean more to satin/silk
him: PERFECT. SKIN STIMULATOR AND SIMULATOR
me: your clothing selection?
him: LEATHER
me: hmmmm. interesting choice.
me: btw. hope you are having a good night. if you see a break in the clouds try to see the comet lulins
him: THANX
-----
feel free to laugh ...
or maybe my failure lies in the lack of ability to turn txting into physical action. or perhaps at this point im not even sure if it is failure. is it?
example the leaves me confused and awkward:
me: the dropping temps coupled w/ my urge to hibernate make me want to schedule that pj spooning party.
him: WILL YOU WEAR, VALORE
me: Is that a requirement? Im about soft touch but lean more to satin/silk
him: PERFECT. SKIN STIMULATOR AND SIMULATOR
me: your clothing selection?
him: LEATHER
me: hmmmm. interesting choice.
me: btw. hope you are having a good night. if you see a break in the clouds try to see the comet lulins
him: THANX
-----
feel free to laugh ...
2.23.2009
i woke up this morning
wishing he was there next to me. as i dozed back to sleep, unwilling to let the sandman slip from my grip, i dreamed about spooning. i dreamed about the warmth of him next to me and debated where his hand would sit or perhaps grip.
last time we talked he proposed the idea of a pj spooning date. i wonder if he knew that i wouldn't be able to shake that idea from my head.
in his nature he doesn't dwell on items. my nature allows me to just do that.
---
my motto was simply just to try.
i hate my motto when i try and fail.
more often than not, i do fail.
last time we talked he proposed the idea of a pj spooning date. i wonder if he knew that i wouldn't be able to shake that idea from my head.
in his nature he doesn't dwell on items. my nature allows me to just do that.
---
my motto was simply just to try.
i hate my motto when i try and fail.
more often than not, i do fail.
2.22.2009
love him. i wonder if he knows it.
two days ago he started calling me "kitty kat." the first time, i smiled and figured it was something passing. after all it is a very logical nickname progression. last night when i walked into the room and he yelled it across the bar with such enthusiasm, i realized that only two people in my life have used that nickname on the regular. for some reason it made complete sense that it was the two of you. when we were driving home, he used it again and i told him it was one the second and how i see similarities between you and him. he told me it came to him one morning a few days ago when he woke up with a michael jackson song in his head.
excerpts from him during the ride last night (because i want to write, but i dont have time and im unwilling to forget):
"you are one of the reasons why i truly believe in timeless and ageless."
"i don't think of you as a sister or even step sister."
"i honestly think that we could have met at any point of life and been good. We would have got along wonderfully in high school. i would have stuck to you and absorbed everything good about you. Thats what i have a tendency to do."
"how do you feel about spooning?"..."we will have to have a pj spooning party soon."
ps. is there more of a hope of success in a relationship if we are going about it this abnormal, slowly and caringly???
excerpts from him during the ride last night (because i want to write, but i dont have time and im unwilling to forget):
"you are one of the reasons why i truly believe in timeless and ageless."
"i don't think of you as a sister or even step sister."
"i honestly think that we could have met at any point of life and been good. We would have got along wonderfully in high school. i would have stuck to you and absorbed everything good about you. Thats what i have a tendency to do."
"how do you feel about spooning?"..."we will have to have a pj spooning party soon."
ps. is there more of a hope of success in a relationship if we are going about it this abnormal, slowly and caringly???
2.10.2009
2.01.2009
is it strange
that in my most vivid dreams, i read things? i mean i can read whatever is put in front of me. granted there only seems to be very symbolic things in front of me but, nonetheless i read. last night i struggled a bit to read his handwriting. he had given me a bill or at least what i thought was a bill until i read it and saw the messages he had written. his words were so encouraging, telling and nearly realistic.
the night before i was reading the of the city tagged across item as well as bible as i instructed the students.
i am always intrigued by dreams, really how could someone like me not be. but what gets me more is when i get these periods of vivid dreams in which the colors, names, faces, and words are so distinct i wake up able to paint them, draw them and describe them. its been over a month since my last dreams of clarity (i believe this is what i will call them). i have to wonder what triggers them. is it the need for clarity? is it the coming full moon/lunar eclipse falling after the eclipse? is it the bubbly? is it that mercury is in retrograde?
thoughts?
the night before i was reading the of the city tagged across item as well as bible as i instructed the students.
i am always intrigued by dreams, really how could someone like me not be. but what gets me more is when i get these periods of vivid dreams in which the colors, names, faces, and words are so distinct i wake up able to paint them, draw them and describe them. its been over a month since my last dreams of clarity (i believe this is what i will call them). i have to wonder what triggers them. is it the need for clarity? is it the coming full moon/lunar eclipse falling after the eclipse? is it the bubbly? is it that mercury is in retrograde?
thoughts?
1.25.2009
three teirs of thought.
this evening i couldnt shake the sensation that the whole world was whirling around me in a topsy-tervy way, and i was standing still. but since those around me where twirling and spinning, i felt so off in my steadiness that occasionally i would try to sway simply to not feel so unmoving. even in my attempted swaying i realized i could only shift my weight lightly between my feet. it is almost as if in this solar eclipse i have lost my bearings. my compass has shifted and my ability to make sense of the world has tonight failed, even in its most basic queries.
-------
am i playing a losing battle? yes, i did say playing and not fighting, because really i dont feel as if i have put enough effort in to fight. but yet it is still a battle or perhaps a conquest - no a battle. maybe the only debatable word in that question is losing. no. am i playing a losing battle with our relationship and interactions?
-------
it was an off night. period. "."
i in my glittens bundled up ready to go. him in his sweater and shorts preparing to say goodnight. somehow we connect only with one finger each. our fingers wrap around each other and we hold. the energy from my hand is making the palms inside my glittens sweat. he closes his eye. "so much peace and calm in that, i could almost fall sleep."
"i know," i responded quietly, "but its too bad it is just for a second while you are standing and only with one finger."
a flirtatious grin spreads across his face and turns into a smirk as he says, "but i know how we would ..."
i nod and smile.
-------
am i playing a losing battle? yes, i did say playing and not fighting, because really i dont feel as if i have put enough effort in to fight. but yet it is still a battle or perhaps a conquest - no a battle. maybe the only debatable word in that question is losing. no. am i playing a losing battle with our relationship and interactions?
-------
it was an off night. period. "."
i in my glittens bundled up ready to go. him in his sweater and shorts preparing to say goodnight. somehow we connect only with one finger each. our fingers wrap around each other and we hold. the energy from my hand is making the palms inside my glittens sweat. he closes his eye. "so much peace and calm in that, i could almost fall sleep."
"i know," i responded quietly, "but its too bad it is just for a second while you are standing and only with one finger."
a flirtatious grin spreads across his face and turns into a smirk as he says, "but i know how we would ..."
i nod and smile.
1.22.2009
quick note
no surgery needed.... a beta blocker daily but she should be okay.
scary to think of losing my mom. but currently at work - so i cant think about it too much. just wanted to say, she will be okay.
scary to think of losing my mom. but currently at work - so i cant think about it too much. just wanted to say, she will be okay.
1.16.2009
dear kindred soul,
the first time i called you that aloud, i saw it register in your body language. so often in the past months you have referred to me as your sage. "my sage," you say generally as we part ways and almost always when we are hugging or when your lips are close to my ears. i generally squeeze a little tighter and smile sending my response non-vocally. but last time we parted ways, i responded, "my kindred soul." and i felt you digest that title before you made eye contact with me and kissed me.
i thought about you today. i mean, of course i did. even though i knew you were out of the country, i still woke up this morning wishing i could see you like i do every thursday. when you come back, i want to ask, "did you miss me? did you think of me? did i even cross your mind as you watched a good friend make a lifetime commitment to another? did you?" but i wont ask any of that when i see you next week. instead, ill ask how your trip was, if the time away provided you with time for just you, and maybe ask how the wedding was. i know you will tell me that it is good to see me, and kiss me on the cheek as we embrace. you say it every time you see me, and generally follow it with a compliment, both of which i fully appreciate. but i wonder if you know how much my heart would swell if you told me you missed me. mostly because i know you would never lie about that or say it out of polite conversation. it would be real. and it would make all of this seem more real.
with love,
your sage
i thought about you today. i mean, of course i did. even though i knew you were out of the country, i still woke up this morning wishing i could see you like i do every thursday. when you come back, i want to ask, "did you miss me? did you think of me? did i even cross your mind as you watched a good friend make a lifetime commitment to another? did you?" but i wont ask any of that when i see you next week. instead, ill ask how your trip was, if the time away provided you with time for just you, and maybe ask how the wedding was. i know you will tell me that it is good to see me, and kiss me on the cheek as we embrace. you say it every time you see me, and generally follow it with a compliment, both of which i fully appreciate. but i wonder if you know how much my heart would swell if you told me you missed me. mostly because i know you would never lie about that or say it out of polite conversation. it would be real. and it would make all of this seem more real.
with love,
your sage
1.13.2009
would you hold my hand?
in a week my mom finds out if she needs to have heart surgery. she hasnt told her husband or family, only me and a friend. im trying not to worry. i promised her i wouldnt tell them. and really where does worry get us. im havent really told anyone who i know would ask or talk about it. rather mentioned it in passing to one friend. if i say it too much it may become a reality.
more than anything i just dont want her to be alone for that appointment, let alone for the surgery. scratch that, more than anything i dont want to lose my mom.
more than anything i just dont want her to be alone for that appointment, let alone for the surgery. scratch that, more than anything i dont want to lose my mom.
1.12.2009
vanilla/banana yogurt, semi-chocolate chips and pink & yellow sprinkles
except for around these parts, they call them "jimmies." it is, in fact, the perfect dessert you know. well, at least for tonight. a little bit of probiotics with a banana edge (great for your body), a dash of chocolate (because there is something amazing about the chocolate and banana paring) and sprinkles. you can't help but smile. feeling like a 13 year old again but knowing as an adult you can make your own choices, that is the power that this dessert holds.
1.11.2009
Holding back
Like a fifteen year old swooning over her first real love talking about you makes me blush slightly, shift in my seat, and even sometimes cross my ankles tightly.
Thinking of you while I lay in bed warmth begins to eminate from my plams. If I close my eyes my thoughts wander to the embraces of last night that while clothed and upright made time stand still and allowed for a spiritual communication so clear it required no verbalization.
Thinking of you while I lay in bed warmth begins to eminate from my plams. If I close my eyes my thoughts wander to the embraces of last night that while clothed and upright made time stand still and allowed for a spiritual communication so clear it required no verbalization.
1.10.2009
as i pulled into the 7-11 (w/ the 24hrs a day sign)
we were discussing our choice in partners. basically agreeing that i haven't had the best taste in men. and that he generally finds himself in the same situations. i summed our ten minutes of conversation by saying, "passion is the most attractive characteristic that a person can have, but often the most destructive." he agreed. the unspoken hung thick in the air.
two passionate people with a "god" complex (as he describes it), continually connected on a deeper level, notably attracted to one another, ultimately deeply caring for one another... wondering if it could be, should be or will be.
the biggest problem, with him, i would fall head over heels.
two passionate people with a "god" complex (as he describes it), continually connected on a deeper level, notably attracted to one another, ultimately deeply caring for one another... wondering if it could be, should be or will be.
the biggest problem, with him, i would fall head over heels.
where to begin
i drove him home. simple yes, significant yes.
im not used to having someone that sees all the way into me and still finds beauty in all of it. but i have stepped beyond the fear that i once felt about exposing myself. now i fully engage and invite. it is as if before i was like eve having just tasted the apple, trying to hide from adam even though i knew he had already known my body. and now i am not hiding, rather showing the scars of past experiences, the necklace of freckles, and even the dimples of chub. its beyond an exposure, its an honesty.
it is amazing because sometimes its such an honesty, that i find myself having to be more honest with my own thoughts and beliefs.
tonight i realized for the first time that i drove into things with jay to distract from the hurt with ernest, who i sought out as a distraction from george. and by being me, alone, even for the few months that it has been... i'm at such peace.
this is a realization i had while in conversation with my kindred soul. the best part, is that i could say it all and not feel any shame or insignificance. and to have him listen, really listen, and digest who and where... it was nice. no it was beyond nice. it was right.
i really do love that man. he has some flaws... mostly the ones we share, but i really do love him. there is no question. crazy things is, well, maybe not so crazy, is that we both know i love him and we both know he loves me. just not quite sure what it will be.
a few days ago he asked me if i was getting closer to inner peace... and i think i really am.
---
tonight i stood in the bar and thought to myself that my day had been so successful, but one thing i wanted to cap it off, to make it the day i wanted, was a kiss from him. later in the evening i kicked myself for thinking such, as i watched him work and chat with other women. but something kept me around. something unspoken. the minute that things emptied he grabbed my hand in passing, only to stop dead in his tracks. he had felt it in my hands to the extent that he stopped and asked me what was going on.
im not used to having someone that sees all the way into me and still finds beauty in all of it. but i have stepped beyond the fear that i once felt about exposing myself. now i fully engage and invite. it is as if before i was like eve having just tasted the apple, trying to hide from adam even though i knew he had already known my body. and now i am not hiding, rather showing the scars of past experiences, the necklace of freckles, and even the dimples of chub. its beyond an exposure, its an honesty.
it is amazing because sometimes its such an honesty, that i find myself having to be more honest with my own thoughts and beliefs.
tonight i realized for the first time that i drove into things with jay to distract from the hurt with ernest, who i sought out as a distraction from george. and by being me, alone, even for the few months that it has been... i'm at such peace.
this is a realization i had while in conversation with my kindred soul. the best part, is that i could say it all and not feel any shame or insignificance. and to have him listen, really listen, and digest who and where... it was nice. no it was beyond nice. it was right.
i really do love that man. he has some flaws... mostly the ones we share, but i really do love him. there is no question. crazy things is, well, maybe not so crazy, is that we both know i love him and we both know he loves me. just not quite sure what it will be.
a few days ago he asked me if i was getting closer to inner peace... and i think i really am.
---
tonight i stood in the bar and thought to myself that my day had been so successful, but one thing i wanted to cap it off, to make it the day i wanted, was a kiss from him. later in the evening i kicked myself for thinking such, as i watched him work and chat with other women. but something kept me around. something unspoken. the minute that things emptied he grabbed my hand in passing, only to stop dead in his tracks. he had felt it in my hands to the extent that he stopped and asked me what was going on.
1.04.2009
people keep asking what i want...
what i really want is to be with someone who makes me feel like i am home.
last night as he and i were discussing the idea of marrying for money. i said i dont think i could ever marry a sugar daddy, he asked if i could marry someone that had what we had, and happened to have money to give me anything i wanted. i think the only reason that i would marry someone is if we had what he and i have. the funny thing is we arent even together. the comforting thing is that he knows i would phrase that question that way knowing the connection we have is what we both want.
-----
"maybe i need you more than i even realize"
last night as he and i were discussing the idea of marrying for money. i said i dont think i could ever marry a sugar daddy, he asked if i could marry someone that had what we had, and happened to have money to give me anything i wanted. i think the only reason that i would marry someone is if we had what he and i have. the funny thing is we arent even together. the comforting thing is that he knows i would phrase that question that way knowing the connection we have is what we both want.
-----
"maybe i need you more than i even realize"
resolutions
this year i have decided to have just one resolution (with a few elements).
to take care of myself
- physically
- emotionally
- occupationally
to take care of myself
- physically
- emotionally
- occupationally
1.03.2009
all out on the table
last night as i stood there ready to leave with my coat, arm warmers and scarf on... we finally said what we have been dancing around for years.
"we both know this is going to happen," he said as we made a long eye contact.
"it is in fact one of my new years resolutions," i stated as my head nodded.
"you said so much in so few words," he replied with a mixture of awe and challenge.
if this was a romantic comedy or a prime time sitcom, i would be walk into the lounge this evening with a purpose. In the background would play "Slide" by Jeff Bradshaw and Jill Scott. Our eyes would connect and light up slightly as we exchange or typical smile greeting. I would ask if I could steal him away for a minute or talk for a second. It would take a bit to pull him aside from the bar and his work, but he would follow me down the hallway to the back door. As he turned the corner, he would ask what was going on. I would tell him that my dreams were plagued with a missed opportunity, and pull him close. Then I would make his toes curl and we would both finally feel the release of the years of tension in that moment. After a few minutes, or more, I would tell him he should get back to work and I had to meet a couple of friends. "Call me when you get a chance," I would casually say was I let myself out to the back alley.
But alas.... it isn't a romantic comedy... and at this point I am nervous to the point that I worry that in the last four months I forgot how to kiss. sigh... yeah, I am that girl.
"we both know this is going to happen," he said as we made a long eye contact.
"it is in fact one of my new years resolutions," i stated as my head nodded.
"you said so much in so few words," he replied with a mixture of awe and challenge.
if this was a romantic comedy or a prime time sitcom, i would be walk into the lounge this evening with a purpose. In the background would play "Slide" by Jeff Bradshaw and Jill Scott. Our eyes would connect and light up slightly as we exchange or typical smile greeting. I would ask if I could steal him away for a minute or talk for a second. It would take a bit to pull him aside from the bar and his work, but he would follow me down the hallway to the back door. As he turned the corner, he would ask what was going on. I would tell him that my dreams were plagued with a missed opportunity, and pull him close. Then I would make his toes curl and we would both finally feel the release of the years of tension in that moment. After a few minutes, or more, I would tell him he should get back to work and I had to meet a couple of friends. "Call me when you get a chance," I would casually say was I let myself out to the back alley.
But alas.... it isn't a romantic comedy... and at this point I am nervous to the point that I worry that in the last four months I forgot how to kiss. sigh... yeah, I am that girl.
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