i think its time

so for the last six months or more I have been forming my next tattoo. Its been quite a while since my second one and this one is very important and symbolic to my past and how it influences who I am today.
here are tidbits of the imagery. basically i want to take my idea and all that i can to the artist to demonstrate what i am looking for.

From Bit and Bites

it will be on the top of my left foot (which i am sure will hurt like a bitch, but so it goes). the "she who watches" (which my grandmother used to visit with me and tell me the story each time before she died) will be in the middle in the redish-brown color of the pictograph photo and then the native american salmons will be swimming in opposition bound by a rope on the top left and bottom right corner signifying my pisces nature.

on love and such

its funny.
as humans we are always striving to be loved.
im lucky to have so many people in my life that tell me they love me and that i also love.
have i mentioned that lately?

but the question is... how often do we really have real love between people (on any level) noticed or unnoticed?


ps do you think anyone will ever love me, including the fact that at times i cry when i watch cheesy television shows? i sure hopes so.

look ma i'm in the paper

http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/cityregion/s_589592.html

yeah that's me on the front page of today's paper.
crazy, huh?

and then there are the people who just always seem to be there....
even if you seem to forget that they were ever there.

somethings make you stronger. others just remind you of how strong you have always been. and then even some make sure that you can't forget that being strong is far different than you remember it being.

my cards. i figure just like a horoscope, you read what you want to read

	how you feel about yourself now (The Sun) You are feeling abundant happy and joyful - if you don’t, be assured that you are about to enter a period of success and fulfillment. This is a time of pleasure, vitality and good health, travel and holidays to be enjoyed. Good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby. The Sun heralds an ending to difficulties and a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones.
	what you most want at this moment (The Empress) The cards suggest k, that at this time you desire comfort, security and happiness and may well need some emotional support and reassurance. (If you are considering having a baby the desire will be very strong at this time, or perhaps you are already pregnant and you have some concerns. If male, perhaps you are considering fatherhood with someone but have concerns.) Things will turn out fine, just know that you are loved and that there are people around you who care.
	your fears (The Hanged Man) You fear letting go, yet this place of limbo and indecision is not a good place to be. Are you being emotionally blackmailed so you don’t go? Don’t be the victim. Sometimes we have to have the strength to let go to attract new positive possibilities in our life.
	what is going for you (The Moon) Despite the fear and bewilderment you feel, and the seeming difficulty of the path you have chosen, keep going - all will eventually turn out fine. The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair; it also shows us how to be open to new and unexpected possibilities.
	what is going against you (The Tower) However hard you try to control events they just won’t go your way. Unexpected challenges, upheaval and disappointment will bring expectations to an end. Subconsciously you may have wanted a solution, you just didn’t expect it to happen this way. Use this period of change as an opportunity for a new beginning. If you have been planning to move home you will be experiencing setbacks.
	outcome (The High Priestess) Your intuitive powers are at their height at this moment in time; only by listening carefully and trusting them completely can you embrace that power. Do this and you will make strong, clear, self-assured decisions. Allow for flexibility and expect promising outcomes.

upcoming highlights - preping for a weekend away

i think this weekend johanna and i will be spending a big 10 bucks to go see q-tip spin and dance our asses off.... i just stumbled upon this - this latest video....



also this weekend we will be seeing Fela! For those of you who don't know about the historical figure and legend, Fela Kuti - take a minute and look into it. I think you will be surprised at how interesting it really is.

welcome weekend of revitalization and rejuvenilization.

only four hours until i blow this popcile stick and head to the airport.

seeing how pdx stacks up

Portland, Oregon

A model city for urban planning, Portland ranked No. 1 for public transportation and pedestrian friendliness, safety, cleanliness, public parks, and environmental awareness. It didn't score in the bottom five for any overall category.

Best Feature

Environmental awareness (#1)

Worst Feature

Luxury boutiques (#24)

Culture

Category	Score (out of 5)	Rank (out of 25)
Classical music	3.90	11
Historical sites/monuments	3.78	19
Live music/bands	4.46	9
Museums/galleries	4.07	13
Theater	3.97	10

Food/dining

Category	Score (out of 5)	Rank (out of 25)
Cafés/coffee bars	4.67	2
Destination restaurants	4.30	18
Ethnic food/cheap eats	4.35	8
Farmers’ and specialty food markets	4.52	2

Nightlife

Category	Score (out of 5)	Rank (out of 25)
Cocktail hour/lounge scene	4.25	18
Late-night/club scene	4.03	19
Singles/bar scene	4.16	18

People

Category	Score (out of 5)	Rank (out of 25)
Athletic/active	4.53	3
Attractive	4.04	13
Diverse	4.01	18
Friendly	4.42	6
Intelligent	4.44	4
Stylish	3.75	18

Quality of life & visitor experience

Category	Score (out of 5)	Rank (out of 25)
Affordability	3.76	7
Cleanliness	4.54	1
Environmental awareness	4.76	1
Noteworthy neighborhoods	4.31	8
Peace and quiet	4.18	4
People-watching	4.27	13
Public parks and access to the outdoors	4.76	1
Public transportation and pedestrian friendliness	4.56	1
Safety	4.20	1
Skyline/views	4.40	9
Traffic	3.69	2
Weather	3.47	19

http://www.travelandleisure.com/afc/2008/

i wish

that someone would tell me that i didn't have to do this alone...
and most importantly that i would believe them.

sometimes it feels like the hardest stuff in life, im destined to do alone.

somedays

the rundown

passed g and felt my heart fall into the acid of my stomach. some wounds take more time to heal than we expect. it had been a year since i had last seen him, even though we live in the same city. drunk and frustrated asked j what we were and haven't seen him since. talked a few times, but realizing that less than a month after our vacation... the happiness might just be memories and that i may have lost a good friend. two people can grow fairly close in a year, especially when they share a bed and the experiences of life.
helped one of my best friends move out of my house back to the west coast, knowing i couldn't help her fix her depression and anxiety. simply hoping for the best in her return and peace of mind. i feel like i simply failed her.
heard news that e's son was born. reminded that only six months ago i closed a chapter on my life by having him move away. i don't want to be in the situation he is in now, but at one point i wanted a situation with him.
my brother called to tell me he leaves in a week for boot camp. since the marines fell through, he has decided to move on to the army. funny, the army just signed him up and will ship him out within a week. i only have one sibling, and i am terrified to lose him.

but at least i have power at the house after the storm.

searching

keep the resume updated and keep an ear to the ground.
scratch that... look, search, seek out!

this used to be my playground

yes, tacky lyrics. yes, i do know that song. and yes, i know you do too.
how is that i used to be able to say it all here, but it all out on the line and express my fears, frustrations, loves, hopes, and realities... but now i don't even express myself in written word that often?
i have my paper and pen journal, but i have never given up my pen to paper expression.
also frustrating that i tend to only write when i am sad, broken, hurt, or angry. one might think these are the only emotions that i truly feel. this of course is unrealistic, and untrue.
in reading the years of my writing and personal expression one might also be able to pull out the themes of my frustrations. the constant determination of finding myself or making sure my life centers on me and that no one takes my respect from who i am. a constant battle to love myself above all else and to realize the importance of people in my life.....
sigh. once again verbal throw-up.
for now that it is it.
writing will increase.