three teirs of thought.

this evening i couldnt shake the sensation that the whole world was whirling around me in a topsy-tervy way, and i was standing still. but since those around me where twirling and spinning, i felt so off in my steadiness that occasionally i would try to sway simply to not feel so unmoving. even in my attempted swaying i realized i could only shift my weight lightly between my feet. it is almost as if in this solar eclipse i have lost my bearings. my compass has shifted and my ability to make sense of the world has tonight failed, even in its most basic queries.

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am i playing a losing battle? yes, i did say playing and not fighting, because really i dont feel as if i have put enough effort in to fight. but yet it is still a battle or perhaps a conquest - no a battle. maybe the only debatable word in that question is losing. no. am i playing a losing battle with our relationship and interactions?

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it was an off night. period. "."
i in my glittens bundled up ready to go. him in his sweater and shorts preparing to say goodnight. somehow we connect only with one finger each. our fingers wrap around each other and we hold. the energy from my hand is making the palms inside my glittens sweat. he closes his eye. "so much peace and calm in that, i could almost fall sleep."
"i know," i responded quietly, "but its too bad it is just for a second while you are standing and only with one finger."
a flirtatious grin spreads across his face and turns into a smirk as he says, "but i know how we would ..."
i nod and smile.

quick note

no surgery needed.... a beta blocker daily but she should be okay.
scary to think of losing my mom. but currently at work - so i cant think about it too much. just wanted to say, she will be okay.

dear kindred soul,

the first time i called you that aloud, i saw it register in your body language. so often in the past months you have referred to me as your sage. "my sage," you say generally as we part ways and almost always when we are hugging or when your lips are close to my ears. i generally squeeze a little tighter and smile sending my response non-vocally. but last time we parted ways, i responded, "my kindred soul." and i felt you digest that title before you made eye contact with me and kissed me.
i thought about you today. i mean, of course i did. even though i knew you were out of the country, i still woke up this morning wishing i could see you like i do every thursday. when you come back, i want to ask, "did you miss me? did you think of me? did i even cross your mind as you watched a good friend make a lifetime commitment to another? did you?" but i wont ask any of that when i see you next week. instead, ill ask how your trip was, if the time away provided you with time for just you, and maybe ask how the wedding was. i know you will tell me that it is good to see me, and kiss me on the cheek as we embrace. you say it every time you see me, and generally follow it with a compliment, both of which i fully appreciate. but i wonder if you know how much my heart would swell if you told me you missed me. mostly because i know you would never lie about that or say it out of polite conversation. it would be real. and it would make all of this seem more real.
with love,
your sage

would you hold my hand?

in a week my mom finds out if she needs to have heart surgery. she hasnt told her husband or family, only me and a friend. im trying not to worry. i promised her i wouldnt tell them. and really where does worry get us. im havent really told anyone who i know would ask or talk about it. rather mentioned it in passing to one friend. if i say it too much it may become a reality.

more than anything i just dont want her to be alone for that appointment, let alone for the surgery. scratch that, more than anything i dont want to lose my mom.

vanilla/banana yogurt, semi-chocolate chips and pink & yellow sprinkles

except for around these parts, they call them "jimmies." it is, in fact, the perfect dessert you know. well, at least for tonight. a little bit of probiotics with a banana edge (great for your body), a dash of chocolate (because there is something amazing about the chocolate and banana paring) and sprinkles. you can't help but smile. feeling like a 13 year old again but knowing as an adult you can make your own choices, that is the power that this dessert holds.

Holding back

Like a fifteen year old swooning over her first real love talking about you makes me blush slightly, shift in my seat, and even sometimes cross my ankles tightly.
Thinking of you while I lay in bed warmth begins to eminate from my plams. If I close my eyes my thoughts wander to the embraces of last night that while clothed and upright made time stand still and allowed for a spiritual communication so clear it required no verbalization.

as i pulled into the 7-11 (w/ the 24hrs a day sign)

we were discussing our choice in partners. basically agreeing that i haven't had the best taste in men. and that he generally finds himself in the same situations. i summed our ten minutes of conversation by saying, "passion is the most attractive characteristic that a person can have, but often the most destructive." he agreed. the unspoken hung thick in the air.
two passionate people with a "god" complex (as he describes it), continually connected on a deeper level, notably attracted to one another, ultimately deeply caring for one another... wondering if it could be, should be or will be.

the biggest problem, with him, i would fall head over heels.

where to begin

i drove him home. simple yes, significant yes.

im not used to having someone that sees all the way into me and still finds beauty in all of it. but i have stepped beyond the fear that i once felt about exposing myself. now i fully engage and invite. it is as if before i was like eve having just tasted the apple, trying to hide from adam even though i knew he had already known my body. and now i am not hiding, rather showing the scars of past experiences, the necklace of freckles, and even the dimples of chub. its beyond an exposure, its an honesty.

it is amazing because sometimes its such an honesty, that i find myself having to be more honest with my own thoughts and beliefs.

tonight i realized for the first time that i drove into things with jay to distract from the hurt with ernest, who i sought out as a distraction from george. and by being me, alone, even for the few months that it has been... i'm at such peace.

this is a realization i had while in conversation with my kindred soul. the best part, is that i could say it all and not feel any shame or insignificance. and to have him listen, really listen, and digest who and where... it was nice. no it was beyond nice. it was right.

i really do love that man. he has some flaws... mostly the ones we share, but i really do love him. there is no question. crazy things is, well, maybe not so crazy, is that we both know i love him and we both know he loves me. just not quite sure what it will be.

a few days ago he asked me if i was getting closer to inner peace... and i think i really am.

---

tonight i stood in the bar and thought to myself that my day had been so successful, but one thing i wanted to cap it off, to make it the day i wanted, was a kiss from him. later in the evening i kicked myself for thinking such, as i watched him work and chat with other women. but something kept me around. something unspoken. the minute that things emptied he grabbed my hand in passing, only to stop dead in his tracks. he had felt it in my hands to the extent that he stopped and asked me what was going on.

people keep asking what i want...

what i really want is to be with someone who makes me feel like i am home.
last night as he and i were discussing the idea of marrying for money. i said i dont think i could ever marry a sugar daddy, he asked if i could marry someone that had what we had, and happened to have money to give me anything i wanted. i think the only reason that i would marry someone is if we had what he and i have. the funny thing is we arent even together. the comforting thing is that he knows i would phrase that question that way knowing the connection we have is what we both want.

-----

"maybe i need you more than i even realize"

resolutions

this year i have decided to have just one resolution (with a few elements).

to take care of myself
- physically
- emotionally
- occupationally

all out on the table

last night as i stood there ready to leave with my coat, arm warmers and scarf on... we finally said what we have been dancing around for years.
"we both know this is going to happen," he said as we made a long eye contact.
"it is in fact one of my new years resolutions," i stated as my head nodded.
"you said so much in so few words," he replied with a mixture of awe and challenge.

if this was a romantic comedy or a prime time sitcom, i would be walk into the lounge this evening with a purpose. In the background would play "Slide" by Jeff Bradshaw and Jill Scott. Our eyes would connect and light up slightly as we exchange or typical smile greeting. I would ask if I could steal him away for a minute or talk for a second. It would take a bit to pull him aside from the bar and his work, but he would follow me down the hallway to the back door. As he turned the corner, he would ask what was going on. I would tell him that my dreams were plagued with a missed opportunity, and pull him close. Then I would make his toes curl and we would both finally feel the release of the years of tension in that moment. After a few minutes, or more, I would tell him he should get back to work and I had to meet a couple of friends. "Call me when you get a chance," I would casually say was I let myself out to the back alley.

But alas.... it isn't a romantic comedy... and at this point I am nervous to the point that I worry that in the last four months I forgot how to kiss. sigh... yeah, I am that girl.