badu plays over my ipod alarm clock radio into the dark bedroom at 2am. it is fitting that my nano refuses to scroll so i must start every session of music with badu. she has always spoke something to my soul.
through the wall behind me i can hear one of my best friends crawling into bed. her last night visiting me has been filled with red and sparkling wines, deep conversations, friends, and spirit rebuilding. we would talk into the night but the few hours of sleep we have absorbed in the last two days is petering out and totals less than a collective eight.
my mind spins even as my body is to tired to sit up. its amazing how the world can spin aournd your frontal cortex and drive the feeling of powerlessness coupled with determination into the deep folds of thought.

im looking for a sign. scratch that. the signs are there. i am trying to pry open my eyes, unclog my ears and unlock my senses so that i can actually see, hear, and know the signs that are there now.

remind me

that for 24 im not doing that badly.
that money is just money even if i'm beyond broke.
that i am loved just the way i am.
that people find me attractive.
that i will find something that will make me content.
that my little brother will be safe.
that ill be able to look back and smile.
that one day ill find a new job that i feel appreciates and acknowledges me.
that i wont spend every night alone in my bed.

and if you wouldn't mind, offer me a hug and tell me everything will be alright.
and if you are feeling really gracious, kiss me briefly.

its been a long week...

or maybe a long month...
or maybe just a long time...

and lately it just seems like it is getting longer.

today my coworker and friend announced that she is leaving our organization. this is far from a surprise but still sad to see her go. it will be good for her, and for that i am very excited. but i am quite sad that i wont have her where i am or on my professional team. our boss is out today so she doesn't know. i can only imagine the fall out. it will be thirty days before she leaves, so time will tell. just worried. scared. you know the drill.

our annual fundraiser was this last saturday. here is the link http://www.kreedphotography.com/blog/ to the first photos from the event. overall it was a success but really - we didnt raise as much money as we would have liked. it was good event, tiring, but good.

this last week my harddrive also died. yes, i should have backed it up but i didn't completely. having the loss of my photos, music, old school files and work files is more of a roadblock than i can fully comprehend. but i will survive.

i put myself out there to him - and no response. perhaps i need to take a break from the possible dating scene. but really im 24 and isnt this the prime age? isnt this when i am suppose to be having fun, going out, meeting people, finding someone... sigh. either way, i wish he didn't have so much of a connection with me - it makes it hard to not take this personally. it makes it even harder to know that it wont ever be what i think it could be.

my house is a mess. my money is a mess. my family is a mess. but thanksgiving is coming and with this holiday comes a good friend to town - a girlfriend and really that is what i need more than anything else.

what i want

its cliche. its over asked and over used. i did it when i was five and also when i was in junior high. its harder than we readily admit and more often than not we don't give it the weight that it deserves. we often no more than we think we do. so often we simply chose not to listen to ourselves.
so without further ado. here it is.
what i want in an intimate relationship

trust
honesty
fun and adventure
sexual chemistry
patience
consideration
creativity
ability to enjoy children
general understanding
interest in life
non-judgemental
mentally strong
passionate

i think that is it. perhaps i should be comparing individuals to that list.
but lately ive been wondering if the list of who i am and want to be in actually just more important.

tired

so tired of heartbreak.
tired of watching those i love struggle.
tired of struggling so much myself.

it breaks my heart to read the paper. brings tears to my eyes to realize my lack of ability even keeping my life in line.

im broke. really broke. working two jobs, spending less than fifty dollars on food and drinks a week broke.

im nearly at whits end. scratch that for tonight, i am. and for tonight, im throwing in the towel.

couldn't help myself

but really how was i selected to be the one modeling the obama brownies in the first place?

waver

so. i dont know the story. thus i cant know the ending.
i only know my slips, climbs, and falls.
i wavered. but perhaps wavering is the right answer.
replay the moments.
rewind. replay. repeat if needed.

---
wanna see?
like a five year old.

---
his mother is a mystic
his name means 'thankyou'


---
i need to push this out - no more.

manic

as i walked to my front porch i couldn't help but think that one day i would like to watch the sunrise with him. just simply watch the day turn over. i told him that in a text message. im sure it will be read how he wants to read it. but i mean it in a full sense. his response, "no problem."

i sometimes worry that there are only so many people in the world that you can actually groove with on all levels. im not saying in the mating sense, but more in the actually understanding, connecting, and engaging... perhaps even challenge in the right way towards growth and self actualization. the fact that these people exist is a beautiful and magical reality - i simply worry that if i meet too many of them too early i will lose them or perhaps if i dont embrace them when they are there i will never have the chance again.

tonight - god, tonight.
tonight has been everything and nothing at the same time. the oddities of the night only highlighted the preexisting realities, drawing the third eye. i know the "bull" is a destructive person for me to have in my life currently, perhaps at anytime. but tonight was the first night the "aries" came out and said it.

im waiting for a sign to point in the other direction. yes, i do believe that signs exist when we choose to see them. in reality its how our mind processes, how the brain fires without our understanding. but all the signs are pointing to something strong. something organic, unforced, sustaining, empowering, engaging, and something i have come to love dearly. im surprised my doubt has not poked a hole in this even internally. what is the person who casts out doubt - to be biblical - only true love casts out doubt.

me. the ugly pieces.

im 24.
im broke.
i have more college and grad school loans than i would like to admit.
i have a masters degree.
i have two jobs - one full time and one part time.
i'm taking a leadership class for leaders in education.
i'm struggling to pay the bills.
most of the people i love are elsewhere. im not sure if im running from them or they are from me.
my family thinks i am a fuck up but yet they aspire to be me.
people in my life think i have my shit together - but the reality is... i dont.
i often want to pack up and run away, or simplify.
i am not comfortable with my body. never have been. only dream one day to be.
i am tried of being accomplished for being young. im tried of being too young to be where i want to be.
im lonely. not all the time, but a large portion of the time.
i fall in love and love the wrong men.
sadly the good men that i really love, i never allow to be more than a huge support.
i love people and for most people would do more than i should - risking my won sanity and financial status.
im considering selling the necklaces my father gave me to pay him some of the money he wants. is that wrong? i never wear them and i dont like gold.
the worse part.... i'm not proud of who i am.

i guess there is more to say. but im done putting it out there to the real world, as small as this blog reaches.

this is how i feel

i could not put it into these words - but she did so wonderfully.

http://jezebel.com/5077253/maya-angelou-on-barack-obama-we-all-rise?autoplay=true

mark it down

remember that moment. the moment when you heard/when you read the words on the tv. obama has won. historic. monumental. golden. tears. cheers. hugs. and a reality that hours later has yet to fully set in.


for now i can just say - for the first time, whole heartedly -I am proud to be a part of this country and I am damn proud of how this country came together to take the first steps towards change.