assume

its been a strange weekend of working long beyond my established hours and duties. ive spent hours on ladders, scrubbing floors, and navigating volunteers. it has also been a weekend of awkward sleep patterns, naps costumed as full REM cycles, repeating dreams and waking up with the sweats, and fly by the pants lifestyle. its been a weekend of doing what i feel like i should be doing and of being surprised that what im doing feels like i should be doing it.

it isnt over. at this point at least. there are hours of painting, cleaning, socializing, and living to be done.

my original intention when opening my blog was to write about the experiences of last night and the weekend social interactions that i haven't been able to wrap my mind around.

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the third time he brought it up, i realized he actually meant it. but because i struggle with my own self assurance, i had to ask him if he really meant it. i poured not only a bit of time, but a good chunk of my soul out into that mix. it was the only tangible thing that he asked for on his birthday after all.
"i want you to make me another one. it was perfect and i want more. when most people make a mix it generally feels like they are addressing it to you, or that they are trying to do what they think you will like, or that its you to them. but yours was so much bigger, it was like it was me to the world."

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i tired to judge his relationships with everyone around me. i tried to see if i could know how they were looking at their interactions or connections with him. i of course tried to do this without anyone knowing. i doubt i am that sly. moreover, i have a good feeling that he can see through it all, if he wants to. i could have played the game, tired to flirt, or even highlight the celebration. instead i was me. and somehow in all of that i cant say that i was lacking. more than anything else, it was a reminder that he was paying a bit of attention.

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watching relationships develop, people ache and heal. somehow last night i was reminded that there is hope. a lot of hope. because it just takes one for now. still have to work on figuring out how to transfer that hope to my personal life and assurance.

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as i was getting ready to leave and make my slip out exit, he stopped me. offering another hug for the night, he said he was thinking of the same and that his crew just there waiting. anyhow - at that moment - he told me i should meet her. i say her, because i dont remember her name. more ironic i suppose is that she knew about me. she knew my birthday. she knew of me, and had heard of me. and even know i dont know her name. so the question is... who is she? and who is she to him?