i think i want to move

not because i am done with this city. but because its easier to know what you are fighting against and to be strong when you know you have to be. when you move to a new city or have a new adventure, you can feel the odds stacked against you. knowing the people think you are being brave makes you feel brave (even if you downplay it). moving and uphill battles allow you to ignore the relationships you don't know how to start or move forward or heal. the constant fighting allows you to overlook the small pains
it is when you let down your defenses and feel like you are at home or stop fighting that you can hurt deeper and ache purer. if that can even happen.

i'm struggling. not the type of struggling that means i wont make it or the type that i feel is worth panic or encouragement. its the type that makes me wish i could cry in front of someone and let them hug me. yes, let. its actually awkwardly about me letting people.

here is deal. october sucks. it has sucked for the last five years. its been the month of heartache, emotional crisis, broken birthdays and anniversaries, death, and loneliness. its funny you would think those emotions would align with major holidays or something. but for me, they align with october.

so october, today you are half way over. you have done half of your damage for the year, and you have proven once again that you can make me ache. but i think im done taking it lying down. and if it means growing in a new way, in a way that isnt forced by a need to be strong or survive, i am ready. raw but ready.