its when you feel overwhelmed and ready to lay down that something else pops up. and then you just have to remind yourself that you are blessed.

and equally as important - you are loved.

i think i want to move

not because i am done with this city. but because its easier to know what you are fighting against and to be strong when you know you have to be. when you move to a new city or have a new adventure, you can feel the odds stacked against you. knowing the people think you are being brave makes you feel brave (even if you downplay it). moving and uphill battles allow you to ignore the relationships you don't know how to start or move forward or heal. the constant fighting allows you to overlook the small pains
it is when you let down your defenses and feel like you are at home or stop fighting that you can hurt deeper and ache purer. if that can even happen.

i'm struggling. not the type of struggling that means i wont make it or the type that i feel is worth panic or encouragement. its the type that makes me wish i could cry in front of someone and let them hug me. yes, let. its actually awkwardly about me letting people.

here is deal. october sucks. it has sucked for the last five years. its been the month of heartache, emotional crisis, broken birthdays and anniversaries, death, and loneliness. its funny you would think those emotions would align with major holidays or something. but for me, they align with october.

so october, today you are half way over. you have done half of your damage for the year, and you have proven once again that you can make me ache. but i think im done taking it lying down. and if it means growing in a new way, in a way that isnt forced by a need to be strong or survive, i am ready. raw but ready.

"i dont ever want to hurt you."
he suddenly became lost in his thoughts.... "i dont ever want to hurt you in any way. never, and i never say never. but you are kitty kat, and mean too much to me. even if somehow we went our opposite ways and you hurt me deeply, i dont think i could ever want you hurt."
he turned. i smiled, "good, i dont ever want you to hurt me."
i offered a quick peck, trying to make sure he didnt see that he had already hurt me on some level without trying.

because it needs to come out!

so after the course of a somewhat normal night - (except for the fact that A didn’t get any sleep the night before and was obviously exhausted and talked about it) we are walking to my car
of course under the assumption that im giving him a ride home and such
we get to the car door and he is following me - and mentions something about biting my ass (which was a topic earlier) and pulls down the top of my jeans to do such
i kind of squeal and turn around and hug him - basically saying that he has the green light on the front
so we are standing outside my car at penn circle putting my stuff in and he is nibbling my ass, licking my spine, kissing my ear... the whole nine yards... basically two sided spoon grabbing, rubbing, grinding and goodness.
its 3:45 am and people keep walking by conveniently timed when im making one noise or another (generally giggles and squeals)
then crazy homeless drunk man comes up and starts talking to A – who whispers in my ear "can the two of us never get a break together?"
and man, with a southern drunk accent is making all sorts of comments about how he knows what A is going to be eating, Alabama, and how I’m his juicy fruit…. A handles it will of grace and humor meanwhile still trying to nibble on my neck and ear while pulling my ass into him.
so A handles it fairly gracefully and with humor but after that we get into the car... and im in internal battle because he has me all worked up (i can feel his excitement but i know he needs needs needs his sleep). so we start talking about my interview and i drive him home.
around the corner from his house he says something about getting out of the car quick because he feels like he could get to sleep quickly. i agree with him and then pull up to his place, where he proceeds to lean into me, we kiss and caress.
and have this conversation where he says we could never just spoon. and i say that i wish he wasn’t so exhausted because I would be taking him home with me. he accuses me of just being polite by saying that. I ensure him that actually I have the feeling quite often that I feel bad because he needs to get sleep and that I do really want him in my bed.
feel bad because he needs to get sleep and that I do really want him in my bed.
he gets into the backseat to get his bag and leans over for two more kisses.
walks around to my car window and waits for me to roll it down for two more kisses. and then I drive home frazzled as fuck.
get home and text him (per his request even though we both know his phone is dead) - "so many things I feel like sending your direction. most importantly sleep and that I do wish that you were currently tangled up with me in bed."
And no response.

Damn.
Damn.
Damn.

So close.
So far.
So….

maya angelou's "in and out of time"

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance...
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids...
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there....
Mmmm...God how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.



---------
it struck a chord.

just for the record - things to note

1. i think i might actually like running. not alone or for speed. but it makes me feel like i am in control of something and have actually accomplished something in the day...even if it is just a 30 minute jog when your knee is killing you.
   
2. i like margaritas without salt or sugar on the rim. call me what you will but i dont like either and i like my margaritas naked.
   
3. saturday i spent the day mostly detached from technology. i suggest at least one day a month doing such. i hope to have one day without all tech communication methods by the end of the month.
   
4. i made a list this weekend of elements of myself that i am working on embracing, understanding and growing. some were simple, like my attraction to certain colors while others were deeper like how i view people around me.
   
5. i am tired of looking for a new housemate. more than that im tired of showing people my house. it is an awkward process of opening your life to people and saying "here is my hideaway, please come in to see if you will be part of it."
   
6. i miss my relationship with certain family members.
   
7. i live in a community where 97% of people have grown up together and know each other from years of interaction. and im realizing that i dont think that community exists anywhere for me. and more importantly i might not want to be a part of it, if it did.
   
8. i hate the noise my ice cream truck makes. sirens should be reserved for emergencies. its siren reminds me of old bomb sirens.
   
9. i will be returning to Portland for a mini-vacation in 8 days. i am not ready. i am worried that i will come back more stressed and sleepless than i am now.
   
10. i am looking forward to going home in more ways than i know how to express.
    
11. i believe i will start updating my blog via my iphone... i don't know why i havent before, but i think i will.
    
12. im more at peace now with myself than i have ever been. not content mind you, but at peace.
    
13. i often feel that i am better at expressing my love through writing than any other form.
    
14. i have come to grips with being cheesy. if you dont like it - tough luck... its just me.
    
15. there is always more to say.... but never enough time to say it.

we identify with what we want to..... but maybe this is closer to home than i thought.

When Kat was born, the Sun was in the Sign Pisces, the Visionary or the Mystic. Kat 's basic sanity and vitality depend upon her frequent and regular immersion in experiences that help her connect to herself as something vaster, more mysterious and far less definable than merely her ego, body or personality. Kat needs to explore states that involve her formlessness and boundarylessness. To dissolve the narrow definitions of the self into something larger. In short, Kat requires a steady diet of altered-state experiences to nourish the Mystic and the Visionary at the core of her her need and capacity to experience other worlds, inner, meditative or creative, as just as real and compelling as the outer world. These experiences should be consciously chosen, calming, and heighten Kat 's awareness--not dull it with escapist or addictive behavior. Kat 's nature is sensitive, compassionate, dreamy, and intuitive, full of mystical or psychic sensibilities. An atheistic, skeptical, totally linear and uncompromisingly pragmatic attitude and lifestyle would be poisonous to her. For a relationship to blossom, committed love must deepen Kat 's sense of the indescribable Mystery of life, not reduce it. In intimacy, Kat 's tendency towards sappiness may present some problems, but they're insurmountable only in two cases: if Kat has chosen to numb her sensitivity with addictions, or if she has chosen a rigid, judgmental and defensive realist as a mate. Kat 's constant, if unspoken, search for Spirit at the core of everything may seem unworkably Quixotic at times, yet that same search can recognize and honor the soul of her mate and add immeasurably to the enchantment of the relationship.