where to begin

i drove him home. simple yes, significant yes.

im not used to having someone that sees all the way into me and still finds beauty in all of it. but i have stepped beyond the fear that i once felt about exposing myself. now i fully engage and invite. it is as if before i was like eve having just tasted the apple, trying to hide from adam even though i knew he had already known my body. and now i am not hiding, rather showing the scars of past experiences, the necklace of freckles, and even the dimples of chub. its beyond an exposure, its an honesty.

it is amazing because sometimes its such an honesty, that i find myself having to be more honest with my own thoughts and beliefs.

tonight i realized for the first time that i drove into things with jay to distract from the hurt with ernest, who i sought out as a distraction from george. and by being me, alone, even for the few months that it has been... i'm at such peace.

this is a realization i had while in conversation with my kindred soul. the best part, is that i could say it all and not feel any shame or insignificance. and to have him listen, really listen, and digest who and where... it was nice. no it was beyond nice. it was right.

i really do love that man. he has some flaws... mostly the ones we share, but i really do love him. there is no question. crazy things is, well, maybe not so crazy, is that we both know i love him and we both know he loves me. just not quite sure what it will be.

a few days ago he asked me if i was getting closer to inner peace... and i think i really am.

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tonight i stood in the bar and thought to myself that my day had been so successful, but one thing i wanted to cap it off, to make it the day i wanted, was a kiss from him. later in the evening i kicked myself for thinking such, as i watched him work and chat with other women. but something kept me around. something unspoken. the minute that things emptied he grabbed my hand in passing, only to stop dead in his tracks. he had felt it in my hands to the extent that he stopped and asked me what was going on.